M-M-M-MEGA POST! Breaking Dawn, Ch. 16-18

Chapter 16. Too-Much-Information Alert

In order to break up the vampire drama, this chapter provides relief in the form of…werewolf drama. Remember, aspiring writers: story ≠ drama.

In this case, Leah is actually being friendly to Jacob, or at least less unfriendly. To his dismay, she even suggests they remain as a pack once the the Cullen incident blows over. To my amazement, the text actually treats Leah with some sympathy instead of contempt. It’s nice to see Meyer making baby steps toward acknowledging that her characters are, frankly, kind of jerks. The text has acknowledged the casual sexism of the wolf pack, but it has made zero effort so far to challenge it. We’re supposed to find Leah to be an unlikeable character, but jeez, look at her circumstances: being the only woman in the pack, being constantly treated as a nuisance, and losing most of her free will to a guy she has a lot of bad history with. I say she’s a saint for not going on a silver bullet rampage by now.

Anyway, Leah has now learned that werewolfization has left her sterile for the foreseeable future. What’s the deal, Stephenie Meyer? All the male werewolves imprint on toddlers they can raise to their liking (ugh) or beautiful adults they can slap around (more ugh), but the one female werewolf gets nothing except a ruined engagement. Nice.

Anyway, Jacob realizes this, but it hasn’t created in him a sense of obligation to be nice or anything:

"I’m talking about being a genetic dead end, Jacob," [she said.]

The vicious edge to her words left me floundering. I hadn’t expected to have my anger
trumped.

"I don’t understand."

"You would, if you weren’t just like the rest of them. If my 'female stuff'—she thought
the words with a hard, sarcastic tone—"didn’t send you running for cover just like any
stupid male, so you could actually pay attention to what it all means."

Oh.

Yeah, so none of us like to think about that stuff with her. Who would?...None of us had
wanted to deal with that breakdown. Obviously, it wasn’t like we could empathize.

Jeez. Jeez, Jacob. I guess this is a step above “bitch had it coming,” but several steps below ordinary human decency. I’m genuinely confused: how are we supposed to read this? Jacob is the narrator and a protagonist, and in Stephenie Meyer’s world that means you’re a-okay and favored by fate. I really don’t get the misogyny towards Leah here, not by Jacob, not by Meyer.

Leah continues to lament that becoming a werewolf basically precludes any sort of family life. Jacob, sadly, is Jacob:

"I’m… I’m menopausal. I’m twenty years old and I’m menopausal," [she said.]

Ugh. I so didn’t want to have this conversation.

Your hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Just as Jacob starts to come across as a complete monster, he shows that he has the sanest perspective in the entire book on this whole imprinting business:

"You really want to imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever?" I demanded. "What’s
wrong with going out and falling in love like a normal person, Leah? Imprinting is just
another way of getting your choices taken away from you."

Good sense? In the Twilight universe? It’s more likely than you think. Of course, it would have been nice if he’d mentioned that it basically takes someone else’s choices away from them, too, but you can’t have everything.

This goes on for a bit longer as they make their way back to the Cullens. Once they arrive, Alice conversationally informs him that the baby just broke Bella’s pelvis. If the chapter hadn’t already been one unremitting horror show I’d probably be creeped out, but now I’m honestly kind of dead to it.

There’s a bit more domestic stuff–threats of death, drinking blood, that kind of thing–and then Edward realizes he can hear the baby thinking. Uh…okay. Bella finds this weird, too, and her surprise causes the baby to bruise her from the inside. Yikes. Apropos of nothing, they discuss names for the baby: Edward if it’s a boy–of course–or Renesmee. Jacob abruptly decides he’s had enough of this, so Edward tosses Jacob his car keys. Exeunt narrator.

Chapter 17. [I swear I am not making this title up. --mkp] What Do I Look like? The Wizard Of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have.

[Note from future Mateo: these two chapters probably aren't for the faint of heart. Fair warning.]

Long title, long chapter. Let’s a-go!

Anyway, Jacob goes anger driving for a while. As he does, a plan forms…wow. Oh, wow. This is dumb even by Twilight standards. Hey, even Jacob says so:

This was a stupid plan. It wasn’t going to work. But, as I’d searched my head for any
way at all to get away from the pain, what Leah’d said today had popped in there.

"That would go away, you know, if you imprinted. You wouldn’t have to hurt over her
anymore."

Seemed like maybe getting your choices taken away from you wasn’t the very worst
thing in the world. Maybe feeling like this was the very worst thing in the world.
But I’d seen all the girls in La Push and up on the Makah rez and in Forks. I needed a
wider hunting range.

So how do you look for a random soul mate in a crowd? Well, first, I needed a crowd.
So I tooled around, looking for a likely spot. I passed a couple of malls, which probably
would’ve been pretty good places to find girls my age, but I couldn’t make myself stop.
Did I want to imprint on some girl who hung out in a mall all day?

Yes, you read that right: Jacob is randomly driving around with the goal of imprinting on a passerby. A rebound imprinting, no less. Leaving aside the fact that Jacob managed to make imprinting even more skeevy(!), Jacob is SOL if his magical mystery mate lives in China or something. But what happens if he does imprint on someone in his “wider hunting range” (still more ugh)? What if he imprints on a random toddler in the crowd? What’s he gonna do, walk up and offer to be her best friend until she turns legal? I imagine parents not from a werewolfing tradition wouldn’t be pleased.

As it turns out, Jacob’s actual approach…well, let’s say it could use some work:

I stared into the face of every girl who passed anywhere near me, making myself
really look, noticing who was pretty and who had blue eyes and who looked good in
braces and who had way too much makeup on.

Jacob evidently favors the serial killer approach meeting girls. Remember, he’s six-foot-something and looks like he’s in his early twenties.

I tried to find something interesting about each face, so that I would know for sure that I’d
really tried. Things like: This one had a really straight nose...

…that would look great mounted on his wall…

Sometimes they stared back...

Trying to recall if they’d seen that face on the wall of a post office, no doubt.

Sometimes they looked scared—like they were thinking,
Who is this big freak glaring at me?

Little tip from one guy to another: they were thinking that. I’m no romantic expert, but I can’t imagine the “stare like a pervert” approach is the most effective conversation starter. Unless you’re interested in a policewoman, maybe.

Unable to find the perfect addition to his human skin collection match for his lonely werewolf soul, Jacob returns to his car. To his surprise, there’s a huge contrivance waiting for him: a pretty girl is just standing there, admiring his car and eager to make conversation with the owner. First of all, yeah, right. Second of all, was this high school-ish aged girl expecting someone roughly her age to walk up? Remember, Jacob borrowed this car from the Cullens, and they only seem to dive exotic sports cars. Those generally aren’t owned by high-schoolers. Either this girl was incredibly naive, or she was hoping to make conversation with someone much older. Breaking Dawn being as messed up as it is, I don’t know which is more likely.

Anyway, Jacob is sufficiently impressed by the plot device girl, so he tries to will himself to imprint:

I stared at her face harder, wishing I knew how to make it work. C’mon, Jake—imprint already.

Needless to say, it doesn’t work. This in keeping with Twilight’s theme of “ordinary human relationships are for suckers,” but it’s still pretty pathetic. And hey, why the suddenly high standards, Jacob? Wasn’t too long ago you settled for being Bella’s pet dog and space heater.

Anyway, the poor girl stands around and hopelessly tries to make conversation for a bit, but Jacob just gets in the car and drives back to the Cullens. Edward meets him, and he’s not happy; apparently Leah showed up angry at Bella for jerking Jacob around for three whole books. Bella can’t be unhappy, of course, so Edward wants Jacob to “control” Leah and keep her from…I don’t know, getting angry at Bella or something. I don’t know why he doesn’t just talk to her himself. In the Twilight universe, rational, honest conversations are for men only, I guess.

That out of the way, Edward and Jacob get back to talking about the center of the universe, i.e., Bella. Apparently she’s going through blood by the gallon, so Carlisle left to get more. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Edward and Bella Cullen! One of them has an insatiable craving for human blood, and the other one is a vampire!

Bella walks down the stairs to meet them, and in the process she spills her sippy cup of blood on the couch. Again, none of the vampires even blink. This kind of makes Edward look like a wuss for skipping class when they were doing blood typing.

There was the strangest, muffled ripping sound from the center of her body.
“Oh!” she gasped.

And then she went totally limp, slumping toward the floor. Rosalie caught her in the
same instant, before she could fall. Edward was there, too, hands out, the mess on the
sofa forgotten.

“Bella?” [Edward] asked, and then his eyes unfocused, and panic shot across his features.

A half second later, Bella screamed.

It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying sound
cut off with a gurgle, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her body twitched, arched
in Rosalie’s arms, and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.

HOLY CRAP! THE BABY IS EATING IT’S WAY OUT OF HER JUST LIKE IN ALIENS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH STEPHENIE MEYER??!!

Chapter 18. There Are No Words For This.

Bella’s body, streaming with red, started to twitch, jerking around in Rosalie’s arms like
she was being electrocuted. All the while, her face was blank—unconscious. It was the
wild thrashing from inside the center of her body that moved her. As she convulsed,
sharp snaps and cracks kept time with the spasms. 

Rosalie and Edward were frozen for the shortest half second, and then they broke.
Rosalie whipped Bella’s body into her arms, and, shouting so fast it was hard to separate
the individual words, she and Edward shot up the staircase to the second floor.

I guess it’s obvious, but this is basically a frame-by-frame recreation of the table scene from Alien. What’s not obvious is WHY IS THIS HERE?!?!

“Get him OUT!” she screamed. “He can’t BREATHE! Do it NOW!”
I saw the red spots pop out when her scream broke the blood vessels in her eyes.

This is a bug hunt, man! A bug hunt!

[Rosalie's] hand came down on Bella’s stomach, and vivid red spouted out from where she
pierced the skin. It was like a bucket being turned over, a faucet twisted to full. Bella
jerked, but didn’t scream. She was still choking.

For some reason, Rosalie decides she likes blood again, so Jacob has to pull her off. Edward starts performing CPR on Bella for some reason. It seems like KILLING IT WITH FIRE would be more helpful, but hey, I don’t know what I’d do in this situation. Alien always gave me nightmares as a kid.

Another shattering crack inside her body, the loudest yet, so loud that we both froze in
shock waiting for her answering shriek. Nothing. Her legs, which had been curled up in
agony, now went limp, sprawling out in an unnatural way. 

“Her spine,” he choked in horror.

Game over, man, game over!

Edward tries making an incision with the scalpel, but the amniotic sac just bends the blade. Edward…

Oh.

Oh. This…just…

Edward starts to bite his way through to get the baby out:

The next sound jolted through me, unexpected, terrifying. Like metal being shredded
apart. The sound brought back the fight in the clearing so many months ago, the tearing
sound of the newborns being ripped apart. I glanced over to see Edward’s face pressed
against the bulge. Vampire teeth—a surefire way to cut through vampire skin.

What the hell, I don’t even know any more.

They get the baby out, and what’s left of Bella is dying on the table. Edward leaps into action and jabs a syringe of his venom into Bella’s heart. Wow. From Alien to Pulp Fiction, eh, Twilight? Maybe in Chapter 19 Bella will awkwardly walk up to Edward and suggest they not tell Marcellus Wallace about this.

Since there’s nothing else for Jacob to do, he leaves Edward with Bella. On the way out he walks past Rosalie, who is feeding the baby with human blood. I guess they weren’t out after all? I thought that’s why Carlisle left, but who knows. Oh, and I guess Rosalie magically got her self-control back. Continuity is for suckers, I guess.

Jacob decides Sam was right all along, and he decides to kill the newborn. I no longer have any idea if this is horrifying or not. He moves in for the kill…

What.

No, he doesn’t. I don’t believe this.

It’s a girl. Jacob imprints on her. Damn, dude. Way to literally rob the cradle.

…

This…

I just…

I give up trying to make sense of this. Sure. Whatever, novel. Go for it. That’s one way to get a happy ending, I guess. Bella has Edward, Edward has Bella, or what’s left of her, Jacob gets to imprint on a newborn, Rosalie gets to play mommy like she’s wanted to all century. Esme can coo over the new member of the family, Alice can wonder why the hell she didn’t see any of this coming, and Carlisle can congratulate himself on a job well done. Hey, when Bella gets better, maybe you can all go out for drinks! Bloody Marys all around!

Breaking Dawn, Ch. 13-15

Chapter 13. Good Thing I’ve Got A Strong Stomach

The chapter opens with Jacob noting how weird it is to keep a fridge stocked with blood. Heh.

Everyone rushes to get Bella a cup of human blood. It’s a hit:

Bella sucked in a deep breath. “It smells good,” she admitted in a tiny voice.

You know, I’ll bet Bella the sociopath is just pretending to be pregnant in order to have an excuse to drink human blood.

Bella chugged a few more ounces...

Chug! Chug! Chug! Vampires party hard: in a few pages it’ll be time to break out the blood bong.

Incidentally, none of the Cullens seem to be interested in the cup of blood. They almost went nuts when Bella nicked her arm on a broken table back in Eclipse, but I guess that collective increase in self-control wasn’t important enough to record.

I haven’t mentioned it yet, but Edward has been keeping a running commentary on Jacob’s running commentary. Edward feels no obligation to mind his own business; more often that not he responds to what people have thought, not said. Given the way he stalked Bella, I guess this shouldn’t be surprising, but it still seems weird. Being friendly with the Cullens apparently means giving up any and all privacy.

A delegation from Sam’s werewolf pack arrives to convince Jacob to return to the old pack. They get nowhere.

Chapter 14. You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires

Show, don’t tell.

Jacob returns to the Cullens’ house. Bella is doing better–good enough, in fact, to jerk Jacob around some more:

Bella didn’t hear me. She only glanced up when he did, and then she smiled, too. With
real energy, her whole face lighting up. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d looked
so excited to see me...Why did she have to be so damn thrilled to see me? Like I’d made
her whole freakin’ day by walking through the door.

I don’t like Jacob(1), but even I feel a little sorry for him. What’s Bella playing at?

Anyway, the baby soon breaks one of Bella’s ribs–from the inside–and that puts a damper on her too-cheerful mood. I thought this was romance, not horror. Carlisle x-rays her(2) on his handy x-ray machine(!) while Jacob catches up on some sleep. He awakens to find Alice resting nearby; it seems she finds his ability to interfere with her precognition helpful for relieving her headaches. (Remember those? They haven’t been mentioned since the first book, I think.) Makes sense.

Jacob falls asleep again. Man, even the characters can’t stay awake for this chapter. He wakes up to find Rosalie nearby this time. I don’t know why. We’re treaty to the following “witty” banter when she complains about his snoring.

“The chainsaw impersonation was getting a little tired.”

Does she mean “tiresome” ? Because I don’t see how an impression can get tired of anything. Head in the game, editors.

Chapter 15. Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

Oh, good. Sound effects. By Chapter 20 it’ll probably be grunts.

This chapter is mostly werewolf housekeeping. Seth informs Jacob that Bella has been talking with Charlie, her father. Jacob doesn’t understand why, since Bella won’t be able to maintain contact post-vampirization. Apparently she’s hoping to play coy about her real nature at that point. This is perfectly in-character: it’s selfish and stupid all at once. Bella is written as self-sacrificing–witness the number of times she’s tried to offer herself up to the threat of the week–but she has no problem being selfish in situations like this. To be honest, Bella seems starved for attention more than self-sacrificing; her giving instincts only come out when the opportunity for showy self-sacrifice is there. Leading her father on about her not-death? Sure. Leading Jacob on when she knows he’s still in love with her? No problem. Doing so in front of her husband while he’s worried sick about her? A-okay.

Oh, hey, speaking of leading Jacob on:

“It feels… complete when you’re here, Jacob. Like all my family is together. I mean, I
guess that’s what it’s like—I’ve never had a big family before now. It’s nice.” She
smiled for half a second. “But it’s just not whole unless you’re here.”
“I’ll never be part of your family, Bella.” [Jacob said.] 

I [Jacob] could have been. I would have been good there. But that was just a distant future
that died long before it had a chance to live.

“You’ve always been a part of my family,” she disagreed... “We got off track, Jake.
Out of balance. You’re supposed to be part of my life—I can feel that, and so can you.”

All this time Edward is there, staring out the window, no doubt wishing vampires could drink.

Bella falls asleep, and Edward takes the opportunity to fill the reader Jacob in about Bella’s pregnancy. Emmett and Jasper have been doing research, and they found…

They…

What…

This…

I don’t even…

This…

What is this I don’t even…

This is what Emmett and Jasper found out:

“From what little research we’ve been able to do, it would appear the creatures use their
own teeth to escape the womb,” he whispered.

…

…

…

…

……………

This.

Book.

Is.

Bananas!

What are we reading? Is this still the same series? When did this romance become about babies eating their way out of their mothers? What is this story even about? There are pedophile werewolves and cannibalistic babies and bizarre genetic science and what is this why is any of this happening I don’t understand

———————–

(1) Well, technically I don’t like any of these people.

(2) I was going to mock Carlisle for x-raying a pregnant woman, but some quick research showed that this isn’t uncommon. He gets a pass on this one.

Eclipse, Ch. 7-8

Chapter 7. Unhappy Ending

This chapter opens with Rosalie giving Bella her backstory. Long and short of it, Rosalie was raped by her drunken fiance and his buddies and Carlisle turned her into a vampire to save her life. Rosalie had only wanted a happy family and a pleasant suburban existence, so she finds little to like about the vampire lifestyle. She proudly claims she’s never even tasted human blood, which reminds me of a certain Chris Rock sketch, and now I’m imagining a vampire stand-up comic talking about there being two kinds of vampires, vampires and bloodsuckers, and bloodsuckers are always wanting credit for doing what they’re supposed to do.

In general, though, I thought this conversation worked pretty well, for Rosalie has clearly come to terms with her lot in life and doesn’t resort to melodrama to make her point. It’s one of the few passages in the entire series that comes across as real writing, and this is a welcome change from all the narcissism and shortsightedness of everyone else in the cast. Unfortunately, the moment is spoiled whenever Bella opens her mouth or otherwise reasserts her status as narrator. Stephenie Meyer seems capable of writing about unhappy but decent people, but it appears this doesn’t interest her as much as cliche and melodrama do. If it weren’t such a relief from the ocean of mediocrity I’d almost think it was worse. When an author shows that she can write well but doesn’t chose to, it’s hard to read it as anything other than one big middle finger raised at the audience.

Anyway, Rosalie is telling Bella all this to persuade her not to become a vampire, or at least to consider that even though she’s happy with the choice now she might not be centuries down the road. Unlikeable to the last, Bella merely rolls her eyes at this.

Bella and Alice are apparently now at school. Hey, don’t look at me! I’m as confused by the lack of transitions as you are. Anyway, Bella kisses Mike on the cheek in order to manipulate him into covering for her at work. Jacob rolls up on his bike and Bella climbs on. They ride off into freedom, laughing all the way. It’s a bit like Helen of Troy getting drunk and sailing off with Paris while two fleets get ready to launch.

Chapter 8. Temper

Since neither Jacob nor Bella want to talk about the interspecies war they likely just started, Jacob tells Bella about his friend Quil. Quil just became a werewolf, and he’s already imprinted on someone. Already inured to normal werewolf skeeviness, Bella asks what the problem is. Well, Jacob explains, he imprinted on Emily’s cousin. Her younger cousin. Her two-year-old cousin.

Her two-year-old-cousin.

What.

The.

Hell.

What the hell?

What the hell?!

Okay, I think I’m good–

Waitwhat the hell?!

Has Stephenie Meyer lost her damn mind? What on earth is wrong with her that she thinks this is appropriate? Or romantic? Or…anything? Does she not realize that she just made one of her characters a pedophile and called it okay? And what were the editors doing when this got submitted, giving each other piggyback rides? Just listen to this:

"You're making judgments," [Jacob] accused. "I can see it on your face."

Yeah, Bella, how dare you judge his friend for being a pedophile?

"Sorry," [Bella] muttered. "But it sounds really creepy."

"It's not like that; you've got it all wrong," Jacob defended his friend, suddenly vehement.
"I've seen what it's like, through his eyes. There's nothing romantic about it at all...You
become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or
a brother."Quil will be the best, kindest big brother any kid ever had. There isn't a toddler
on the planet that will be more carefully looked after than that little girl will be. And then,
when she's older and needs a friend, he'll be more understanding, trustworthy, and reliable
than anyone else she knows. And then, when she's grown up, they'll be as happy as Emily and
Sam." A strange, bitter edge sharpened his tone at the very end, when he spoke of Sam.

"Doesn't Claire get a choice here?"

"Of course. But why wouldn't she choose him, in the end? He'll be her perfect match. Like
he was designed for her alone."

I don’t even know where to start. Is it a grown man deciding for a two-year-old that he’ll be her perfect mate? The casual acceptance of his buddies of this situation? The blithe indifference to the girl’s own consent? An author portraying Native Americans as bestial pedophiles? This sounds more like the courtroom transcript of the Fritzl case than a young adult novel. It would be one thing if this were supposed to be read as creepy, but the fact that Meyer has her protagonists defending this is something else entirely. What bizarre moral calculus is Meyer doing to expect readers to find this anything other than ten kinds of messed up?

Once again I must point out that Twilight has sailed under my expectations. I joked about Edward being a pedophile for pursuing Bella, but jeez. I never expected the book to deal with literal pedophilia.

After that bombshell, Bella and Jacob get ready for a bit of motorcycle riding. We are not told if Jacob is going to keep an eye out for any toddlers who need a protector, brother, friend, and/or lover. Bella happens to mention that in a few weeks she’ll likely be turning into a vampire, and Jacob totally flips out, kicks her out of the reservation, and promises to hunt down the Cullens no matter how far they flee. Needless to say, this pretty much ruins the moment, and Bella obediently returns home to her the Cullen house. (1) Edward is there and he apologizes for the kidnapping, and things are apparently okay between him and Bella.

———————————————-

(1) And I’ve got to ask, does Carlisle see anything wrong with his Edward kidnapping his human girlfriend and holding her captive? Does he somehow not know? What, is he taking remedial classes in basic medicine after applying one too many tourniquets or moving an injured patient? Learning needlepoint? Playing quarters with the hospital’s blood packs?

Twilight, Ch. 14

Oh boy. I don’t even know how to describe this chapter. Let’s get started.

—————————

Chapter 14. Mind Over Matter

Man, even the chapter names are clichés now. It’s going to be–wait.

I just had a thought about the last chapter: Does heroin even come in brands? (“Hold on, I don’t want this heroin. I want Dapper Dan!”) Because it’s not like–right, I’ll get on with it.

Edward drives Bella home, and on the way we get a bit of his backstory. It turns out that Edward is a little over a century old, and he was turned into a vampire when his only other option was death by Spanish flu. That’s kind of interesting, and it makes for a nice moment before logic kicks in and you wonder what someone that’s over a century old is doing kicking around in a high school. And dating high school girls. Romance novel notwithstanding, if Edward weren’t a vampire he’d have Chris Hansen knocking at his door, and it seems like being a vampire should make this more creepy, not less. The obvious interpretation–though definitely not the intended one–is that he enjoys playing hard to get around underage girls while he reads their minds. But no, Edward is the heroine’s love interest, so of course he’s just doing it to mack on 17-year-olds to blend in.

Okay, okay, I’m just giving the book crap, but still, are we supposed to believe that in a century of life Edward has found no one else as interesting as Bella? Granted, she’s got tasty blood, but we honestly haven’t seen anything to make her unusually interesting. She honestly seems like a regular high school girl, albeit one with a worse attitude than usual. Again, how on earth does this relationship make sense?

Sigh. Why do I still bother asking that question?

We learn about the rest of the Cullens/Carlisles, and it turns out that Emmett and Rosalie are actually married. Good to know, I guess. Bella and Edward arrive at Bella’s house, and he unlocks the door using a key Bella had hidden. Whoops! Bella knows she’s never shown him the key, and he admits he found it on his own and he’s been using it to let himself in. At night. While she’s asleep. To watch her while she’s asleep.

Wha…this…I just…how…in what bizarro universe is that appropriate? In what way could this possibly be romantic and not just ten kinds of messed up? To make matters even worse, instead of being fantastically creeped out like an actual woman would be, Bella is flattered. Okay, what? Really? Am I supposed to be reading Bella as a human being, or is this all taking place in an alternate dimension where creepiness = affection? She pretends to be upset and asks him why. His response?

He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"

Dude! DUDE! GET A HOBBY! Take up watercolors or knitting or underwater basket weaving. Read a book. Study vampire history. Learn an instrument or beat Halo 3 or watch everything in the Criterion Collection. You’ve lived a hundred years and you haven’t found anything better to do than watch a seventeen-year-old girl while she sleeps? This isn’t romantic, it’s pathetic.

Note that this doesn’t even make sense within Twilight continuity, for in the last chapter we saw that Edward could barely control himself when he was alone with Bella for seemingly the first time. Now we’re supposed to believe that they’ve been alone all the time and it hasn’t been a problem for him.

They talk for a while, and things get even worse at the end of the chapter as Edward muses on the differences between them:

"It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that
we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by
accident." His voice had become just a soft murmur. He moved his icy palm to rest it
against my cheek. "If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention,
I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake.
You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are.

I…I’ve got no funny for this. This is genuinely horrifying.

Free download of “4:33″ (no, seriously)

I just saw that John Cage’s “4:33″ is available on iTunes as a free download. It’s not every day you get a chance like this! Oh, wait…

What’s even funnier is that at one point iTunes offered both a “Clean” and an “Explicit” version. No, I’m not making this up.

(If none of this makes sense, see here.)

I don’t even know how to title this

When I woke up this morning, I knew I’d have to find a topic for today’s blog post. I wasn’t worried; after all, aren’t there plenty of interesting things online? The internet is a jaded man’s dream, an endless wunderkammer of folly, oddity, and spectacle.

I know all this, but I still wasn’t prepared for this:

“Will Clark is set to direct ‘Pride and Predator,’ which veers from the traditional period costume drama when an alien crash lands and begins to butcher the mannered protags, who suddenly have more than marriage and inheritance to worry about.” (source; h/t Tim D.’s Facebook profile)

Upon expressing my shock at this, Anna R. informed me of the upcoming “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.”

This…I just…what. 

(Incidentally, Joseph Palmer was what I was going to post on before I came across all this.)

Musk for librarians?

Library-scented perfume.

While I do like the smell of old books, I can’t say I’ve ever been tempted to ask one out.

What.

In all fairness, it’s a neat idea. Unfortunately, all of the generated songs sound the same, i.e., absolute rubbish. Does Microsoft really think that people want a program that homogenizes all of their musical ideas into an unlikeable hybrid of polka and elevator music?

Incidentally, the ad provides solid examples of almost everything wrong with Microsoft advertising. The best line: “Microsoft, huh? So it’s pretty easy to use?”