The Land of Do-As-You-Please

As it happened, real life and my own idle thoughts met the other day when Beth, Sarah, and I were discussing the iPhone. Sarah happened to mention how distracting a portable, always-on internet connection could potentially be. This, in fact, is the reason I’ve chosen to avoid getting an iPhone-like device for as long as I can. Most of my day is spent in front of a computer by necessity, and constant access to Google and Wikipedia would mean that I could conceivably spend upwards of 90% of my waking life on the internet. Could and would–I know my own tendency towards informational gluttony. The internet has made more information available to more people than anything in history save the printing press, and I doubt the printing press will maintain its lead for another century, and perhaps not even another fifty years. In the grand scheme of things, of course, the printing press will retain its status as the most influential piece of technology for the indefinite future; the internet will have to be around for a while to change as much about human existence as the printing press has.

At any rate, I know that for me extended internet use is like Paul’s food sacrificed to an idol: neither bad nor good in itself, but bad for me at my current level of maturity. The internet is an unmatched distraction engine, a sort of intellectual ground cover that is lovely in its place but a nuisance when it exceeds it. On the internet, there is nobody to tell you “No;” you can go to any website, affect any persona you can make believable, and learn anything knowable to humans–if you are willing to put enough work into it. You can find someone who has something in common with you, no matter how odd or obscure the point of commonality. These are not bad things, and they are not good things. They are merely things you can do for as long as you want, and absent the contraints of offline life you must decide for yourself how long is long enough.

Enid Blyton’s Magical Faraway Tree series contains a place called the Land of Do-As-You-Please. Not having read the series, I don’t know how the children manage in the Land of Do-As-You-Please, but I know that, left to my own devices, I can’t do-as-I-please for very long without running completely off the rails. Pleasures, as C.S. Lewis observed, are a tricky thing; pleasures have a temporal component to them that is vital for their full enjoyment. Simply put, pleasures fade, and it is right for them to do so just as seeds die to become plants.  Much of his Perelandra is dedicated to the exploration of this idea, and of how hard it is to fallen humans to understand that keeping the sensation of pleasure alive with more and more frantic repetition is not only ineffective but perverse.

Since this is all very abstract, let me give an example from my own life: blogging. It’s fun to read blogs and to write them, and for me receiving a comment on one of my blog entries is a singular joy. The temptation for me is to check my RSS reader repeatedly throughout the day to see if anyone has updated or posted a comment. This is something that can be done profitably maybe twice a day, and more likely only once. I know that I don’t think of it in these terms when I am waiting at the reference desk and somewhat bored; no, I know that I’m likely to do it every ten minutes if I don’t find something better to do. This isn’t news to most people, I’m sure, and I think you could argue that Facebook’s redesign is so annoying is that it forces you to think like this whether you want to or not.

The bottom line, I guess, is that the internet isn’t necessarily optimized for you any more than real life is.

Eclipse, Ch. 7-8

Chapter 7. Unhappy Ending

This chapter opens with Rosalie giving Bella her backstory. Long and short of it, Rosalie was raped by her drunken fiance and his buddies and Carlisle turned her into a vampire to save her life. Rosalie had only wanted a happy family and a pleasant suburban existence, so she finds little to like about the vampire lifestyle. She proudly claims she’s never even tasted human blood, which reminds me of a certain Chris Rock sketch, and now I’m imagining a vampire stand-up comic talking about there being two kinds of vampires, vampires and bloodsuckers, and bloodsuckers are always wanting credit for doing what they’re supposed to do.

In general, though, I thought this conversation worked pretty well, for Rosalie has clearly come to terms with her lot in life and doesn’t resort to melodrama to make her point. It’s one of the few passages in the entire series that comes across as real writing, and this is a welcome change from all the narcissism and shortsightedness of everyone else in the cast. Unfortunately, the moment is spoiled whenever Bella opens her mouth or otherwise reasserts her status as narrator. Stephenie Meyer seems capable of writing about unhappy but decent people, but it appears this doesn’t interest her as much as cliche and melodrama do. If it weren’t such a relief from the ocean of mediocrity I’d almost think it was worse. When an author shows that she can write well but doesn’t chose to, it’s hard to read it as anything other than one big middle finger raised at the audience.

Anyway, Rosalie is telling Bella all this to persuade her not to become a vampire, or at least to consider that even though she’s happy with the choice now she might not be centuries down the road. Unlikeable to the last, Bella merely rolls her eyes at this.

Bella and Alice are apparently now at school. Hey, don’t look at me! I’m as confused by the lack of transitions as you are. Anyway, Bella kisses Mike on the cheek in order to manipulate him into covering for her at work. Jacob rolls up on his bike and Bella climbs on. They ride off into freedom, laughing all the way. It’s a bit like Helen of Troy getting drunk and sailing off with Paris while two fleets get ready to launch.

Chapter 8. Temper

Since neither Jacob nor Bella want to talk about the interspecies war they likely just started, Jacob tells Bella about his friend Quil. Quil just became a werewolf, and he’s already imprinted on someone. Already inured to normal werewolf skeeviness, Bella asks what the problem is. Well, Jacob explains, he imprinted on Emily’s cousin. Her younger cousin. Her two-year-old cousin.

Her two-year-old-cousin.

What.

The.

Hell.

What the hell?

What the hell?!

Okay, I think I’m good–

Waitwhat the hell?!

Has Stephenie Meyer lost her damn mind? What on earth is wrong with her that she thinks this is appropriate? Or romantic? Or…anything? Does she not realize that she just made one of her characters a pedophile and called it okay? And what were the editors doing when this got submitted, giving each other piggyback rides? Just listen to this:

"You're making judgments," [Jacob] accused. "I can see it on your face."

Yeah, Bella, how dare you judge his friend for being a pedophile?

"Sorry," [Bella] muttered. "But it sounds really creepy."

"It's not like that; you've got it all wrong," Jacob defended his friend, suddenly vehement.
"I've seen what it's like, through his eyes. There's nothing romantic about it at all...You
become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or
a brother."Quil will be the best, kindest big brother any kid ever had. There isn't a toddler
on the planet that will be more carefully looked after than that little girl will be. And then,
when she's older and needs a friend, he'll be more understanding, trustworthy, and reliable
than anyone else she knows. And then, when she's grown up, they'll be as happy as Emily and
Sam." A strange, bitter edge sharpened his tone at the very end, when he spoke of Sam.

"Doesn't Claire get a choice here?"

"Of course. But why wouldn't she choose him, in the end? He'll be her perfect match. Like
he was designed for her alone."

I don’t even know where to start. Is it a grown man deciding for a two-year-old that he’ll be her perfect mate? The casual acceptance of his buddies of this situation? The blithe indifference to the girl’s own consent? An author portraying Native Americans as bestial pedophiles? This sounds more like the courtroom transcript of the Fritzl case than a young adult novel. It would be one thing if this were supposed to be read as creepy, but the fact that Meyer has her protagonists defending this is something else entirely. What bizarre moral calculus is Meyer doing to expect readers to find this anything other than ten kinds of messed up?

Once again I must point out that Twilight has sailed under my expectations. I joked about Edward being a pedophile for pursuing Bella, but jeez. I never expected the book to deal with literal pedophilia.

After that bombshell, Bella and Jacob get ready for a bit of motorcycle riding. We are not told if Jacob is going to keep an eye out for any toddlers who need a protector, brother, friend, and/or lover. Bella happens to mention that in a few weeks she’ll likely be turning into a vampire, and Jacob totally flips out, kicks her out of the reservation, and promises to hunt down the Cullens no matter how far they flee. Needless to say, this pretty much ruins the moment, and Bella obediently returns home to her the Cullen house. (1) Edward is there and he apologizes for the kidnapping, and things are apparently okay between him and Bella.

———————————————-

(1) And I’ve got to ask, does Carlisle see anything wrong with his Edward kidnapping his human girlfriend and holding her captive? Does he somehow not know? What, is he taking remedial classes in basic medicine after applying one too many tourniquets or moving an injured patient? Learning needlepoint? Playing quarters with the hospital’s blood packs?

Eclipse, Ch. 5-6

Chapter 5. Imprint

Jacob and Bella are still talking, and Jacob is still acting a like a Class-A jackass. He starts talking about how awesome it would be if he and Edward had a duel to the death. Unsurprisingly this doesn’t sit well with Bella, so Jacob holds hands with her and tells her a story about werewolves. Awww, I guess, though I wonder why someone as obviously attached as Bella is cool with him holding her hand. To pass the time, Jacob mentions that becoming a werewolf has stopped him from aging. Bella briefly reflects on the irony of this and feels a little envious, but she accepts it with good grace.

Just kidding. Bella’s actual response is worth reproducing in full:

"You. Are. Not. Aging," I growled through my teeth.
Jacob tugged my arm gently, trying to make me sit. "None of us are. What's wrong with
you?"
"Am I the only one who has to get old ? I get older every stinking day!" I nearly shrieked,
throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a
Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part.
"Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where's the justice ?"
"Take it easy, Bella."
"Shut up, Jacob. Just shut up! This is so unfair!"

I think the wrongness–in every sense of the word–speaks for itself, so I won’t belabor the point. If Stephenie Meyer had set out to write Bella as narcissistic and sociopathic almost to the point of solipsism this would be pretty effective writing. Sadly, we all know this isn’t the case; there’s plenty of evidence that Bella is basically Stephenie Meyer in fictional form. (See here for Meyer’s description of Bella and here for a helpfully annotated image of Meyer.)

But I digress. Jacob continues his story, and he tells her how Sam, the head werewolf, ended up with Emily, his wife. (We met them in New Moon, if you care.) Werewolves have “imprinting,” which is suppoed to be like “true love” (whatever that means in the Twilight universe), only stronger. Apparently he was in love with one girl, but once he met her cousin he magically “imprinted” on her and now they’re furiously in love. Sam and his pack now hate vampires for triggering their werewolfness and causing sam break up with his original girl. You read that right: Sam hates vampires because they made him date his girlfriend’s hot cousin.

Well, imprinting means never having to say you’re sorry, I guess. Still, I’d love to know how that conversation went down: I keep imagining something like, “I’m sorry, baby, but it’s imprinting. You know how it is. I got to get with your cousin now.” Disgusted by the inherent skeeviness of this story, Bella reacts with outrage.

Just kidding. For some unguessable reason, Bella seems to find nothing especially problematic about this. To my horror, she doesn’t seem all that dismayed when Jacob implies that Sam was the werewolf who left Emily horribly scarred. I know I joked about Sam being responsible for her injuries, but jeez, I never expected that to actually be true. Despite doing my level best not to, I actually underestimated this series’ penchant for creepiness.

Just in case you thought this conversation was going anywhere, Jacob brings it back to the beginning when he reiterates his contempt for vampires. Bella responds that it shouldn’t matter. Where is this going, Stephenie Meyer? I’m pretty sure we’ve heard this already. I’m pretty sure because I just read it in the last chapter. And in the chapter before that. Get on with it already.

Chapter 6. Switzerland

Whoa! My metaphor sense is tingling. Might this chapter be setting up Bella as a neutral party (Switzerland) between two warring factions (vampires and werewolves)? Eh? Eh?

Bella leaves the reservation. As she drives, she notices Edward following her. Bella is afraid to deal with him, so she goes to a friend’s house. Okay, is the Twilight theme for this week abusive relationships or what? Reading this series is like watching an episode of Cops, only with less alcohol and fewer white tank tops.

Angela, Bella’s friend, asks Bella whether Jacob might be jealous of Edward. Bella cluelessly denies it, but Angela doesn’t buy it. I’m amazed Stephenie Meyer let someone contradict Bella without suffering retribution from the universe, but it’s true. Angela seems to be set up as the token wise and observant character in the novels, and that means she can gently point out self-evident things like this even as she ignores the really unhealthy things Bella does. And by the way, where was Angela the four months Bella had screaming nightmares? I guess “observant” in this series means “observing” whatever the plot calls for.

Bella’s response?

"Jake's going through kind of a tough time. He needs me."

No, Bella, I’m pretty sure he needs someone that isn’t likely to spark an interspecies war just for visiting him. And who doesn’t want to become a creature that is his mortal enemy. And, ideally, is not a sociopath.

Bella leaves for home. Edward is there, and they have the predictable argument about her visit. To her credit, Bella actually shows a spine and doesn’t back down. Still, that doesn’t count for much with a vampire stalker boyfriend who is willing to disable her car to keep her at home. I’m suprised he doesn’t just bind her feet. The conversation ends because Edward needs to head out of town, and Bella goes over to have a slumber party with Alice.

Ah, the slumber party scene. This is one of the creepiest scenes in the series so far, and no, I’m not making a slumber party joke. It’s creepy because Bella is quite literallly being held against her will by her own friends and potential family–for her own good, of course. To her credit, Bella seems to realize this is wrong:

"Alice, don't you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic,
maybe?"
"Not really." She sniffed. "You don't seem to grasp how dangerous a young werewolf can be.
Especially when I can't see them. Edward has no way to know if you're safe. You shouldn't
be so reckless."

Alice laughs about it, but she takes care to keep Bella out of contact with others. I’m not exaggerating–Bella has to persuade Alice to let her use the phone. With reluctance, Alice lets her have her phone call. Bella calls Jacob and cancels an upcoming visit to the reservation. Her reason? She’s being held hostage by friendly vampires. Yes, that’s the worst thing she could possibly say, and Jacob makes plans to rescue her, but Bella asks him not to and he immediately agrees. By now I’m starting to wonder if Stephenie Meyer is writing this book by Magic 8-Ball, since this makes zero sense given what we know of Jacob’s motivations.

Bella gets ready to go to bed. Odd. What I know about slumber parties can be written in meter-wide letters across the head of a pin, but I’d always assumed they involved more than just sleeping. But wait! Rosalie comes in and wants to talk to Bella. End of chapter.

—————————

Well, the series took a definite turn for the creepy in these chapters. It’s funny and more than a little sad that in a series about werewolves and vapires, the only horror to be found is in the mundane things: spousal abuse, controlling boyfriends, and eighteen-year-old girl furious at life for making her grow up.

Eclipse, Ch. 4

Chapter 4. Nature

I knew that essentially nothing had changed.

Awesome. Mention it to Stephenie Meyer next time.

Graduation was only a few weeks away, but I wondered if it wasn't a little foolish to sit
around, weak and tasty, waiting for the next disaster. It seemed too dangerous to be human -
just begging for trouble.

Whoa. A character just had the same objection I had. Good sense? In the Twilight-verse? Weird.

Unfortunately, nothing happens on this front because Bella wants Edward to turn her but he won’t do it unless they’re married. At this point I honestly don’t know why they haven’t eloped; it’s not like it would get a worse reaction than being turned into a supernatural creature with a craving for human blood.

Hey, are you in the mood for a crushingly obvious metaphor? Stephenie Meyer is! Bella is playing with some magnets and starts to get frustrated that they repel each other:

Finally, exasperated at myself more than the magnets, I pulled them from the fridge and held
them together with two hands. It took a little effort - they were strong enough to put up a
fight - but I forced them to coexist side-by-side.
"See," I said out loud - talking to inanimate objects, never a good sign - "That's not so
horrible, is it?"

Do you get it? Do you see what she did there? The magnets are like Jacob and Edward! And Bella is like…well, Bella, except instead of pushing magnets together she’s pushing two opposing supernatural factions together! Look, everybody, symbolism!

Anyway, Bella goes to visit Jacob. Everything is sweetness and light even though they haven’t had a civil conversation since halfway through New Moon. What is Meyer up to here? I don’t see why she’s still keeping this alive when it’s already served its purpose. Was she hell-bent on writing four books no matter what?

Jacob fills Bella in about the hunt for Victoria, and he wishes that Bella hadn’t attracted Alice’s attention by improvising a suicide, because then they’d still be on good terms. And I believe I speak for every male reader of the Twilight series–all three of us–when I say: It’s over, man. Let her go. Yeah, it sucks that the girl you like is stupidly in love with your mortal enemy, but life is like that sometimes. Pick one of the billions of women not attracted to someone you’re genetically predisposed to hate. Sadly, there’s no one to tell Jacob this, and he tries one last time to convince Bella how stupid it is for a prey animal to try to hook up with its natural predator. He’s right, but everyone knows it’s wasted on Bella. He tries to convince Bella to at least get together with a human. Bella’s response?

"Well, that just sucks!" I snapped. "I guess I'm stuck with Mike Newton after all."

Okay, ladies, enlighten me on this one. How did you feel when Bella said this? As a guy, I don’t think I’ve ever liked Bella less than this moment. And what on earth is Stephenie Meyer going for here? How would you feel if, in The Little Mermaid, the Prince had said, “To hell with human women, only a mermaid is good enough for me!” Would you find it romantic, or would you find it just a little bit insulting that your entire gender isn’t good enough? Wouldn’t it be enough for Bella to say that she’s just in love with Edward without being contemptuous of human men as a whole?

It would be one thing if Meyer had placed someone in the novels to call Bella out on her terrible attitude, or if she had intentionally written Bella to be perceived as stupid or immature. Instead, we’ve been told time and again how much more mature she is than her parents and treated as if she were a thoughtful adult. Doesn’t Meyer realize how it looks when what is ostensibly your wisest character says repellent things?

Musings of a bored librarian

I’m at the reference desk right now. I started learning Japanese this week, so now I can fantasize about using my rudimentary Japanese to save the day during a reference question and thus justify my presence during the nothing else that will happen the rest if the time I’m here.

Eclipse, Ch. 2-3

Chapter 2. Evasion

Bella is at school, and the Cullens are hanging out with everyone else Bella knows at school for some reason. There’s some conversation about nothing, and Alice’s plot detector goes off. That never gets old, does it, Stephenie Meyer?

Bella goes home to write to her mother. Edward suggests they fly out to visit her and Bella is really excited about this even though she rarely speaks of her mother without sounding annoyed. (Edward also observes that Bella has done very little with her birthday presents from last year. Nice of Meyer to remind us of Bella’s contempt for the kindness of others.) Bella asks about Alice’s plot sense, and she’s suprised to find out that it wasn’t about her. At first I thought it was Bella’s typical self-absorbtion, but it occurred to me that as often as Bella causes something to go wrong it’s not unreasonable for her to assume it’s about her.

Against Bella’s wishes, Edward suggests that he and she visit Bella’s mom in Florida. Charlie and Bella argue about this, and Bella eventually tries to visit Jacob. Edward, of course, has no intention of letting Bella make a decision for herself, so he disables her car for the night. As a consolation, he says Bella can lock him out that night if she’s angry. Oh, you know a relationship is screwy if the stalker gives his target the night off as an apology. (It’s not like a locked window has ever stopped him before, though.)

Chapter 3. Motives

After the long flight - chasing the sun westward so that it seemed unmoving in the sky -
it was especially disorienting; time seemed oddly variable. It took me by surprise when
the forest gave way to the first buildings, signaling that we were nearly home. 

"You've been very quiet," Edward observed. "Did the plane make you sick?"

What?! Did we miss a chapter? Did Stephenie Meyer invent a number between 2 and 3? Apparently Edward and Bella went to visit her mother after all. Here Meyer runs into a dilemma, for she clearly wants Bella’s mother to freak out about how serious Bella and Edward are even though she’s been show to have the attention span and cognitive ability of a hummingbird. Her solution? Have Bella tell us how perceptive her mother is. Sorry, Stephenie Meyer, but writing doesn’t work like that.

Oddly, this results in a scene where Bella’s mother notices something else odd about their relationship:

"It's not just him." She set her lips defensively. "I wish you could see how you move around
him."
"What do you mean?"
"The way you move - you orient yourself around him without even thinking about it. When
he moves, even a little bit, you adjust your position at the same time. Like magnets . . . or
gravity. You're like a . . . satellite, or something. I've never seen anything like it."

It’s called an “unhealthy relationship,” and I’d bet good money she has seen one before.

Anyway, Bella and Edward are apparently back in Forks. Jacob has apparently been phone-spamming Charlie for some reason. Bella calls him and Jacob just asks if she’s going to school the next day. And that’s it. It’s so creepy I’m suprised he doesn’t ask what she’s wearing. Bella reflects on this, and we get this painfully obvious reminder of the plot:

Had Jacob really been asking me if I was still human? Making sure that the werewolves'
treaty was unbroken - that none of the Cullens had dared to bite a human . . . bite,
not kill . . .?

Just for fun, try to think of a more natural way to remind readers of that loophole in their treaty.

Anyway, it turns out Jacob just wanted to talk to Edward. Oh, Bella & Edward are apparently at school now. Transitions are for suckers, I guess. We get this bizarre reflection by Bella:

So I'd misinterpreted Jacob's motives last night. Missing information, that was the problem.
Information like why in the world Jacob would want to talk to Edward.

Okay, I give up. Is Bella completely baked here? “I understand now…I needed information! Questions swim in a sea of information! This milkshake is so good it scares me! What if there was, like, another color in the rainbow? Would it look like one of the other colors, or would we have a totally different name for it?!”

Anyway, Jacob is as much of a jackass as he usually is whenever vampires are involved, and I have to wonder what’s up with Stephenie Meyer’s obsession with unlikeable characters. Jacob wasn’t exactly a deep person before becoming a werewolf, but since he tranformed he’s been nothing but an abrasive loser, and surely it says something that the only excuse for character development in this series is to make one of the main characters more of a jerk. And why is Meyer dragging out this friendship, anyway? Not even the characters seem to care at this point.

Anyway, nothing much of consequence gets said except that Bella realizes Edward got her out of town to protect her from Victoria. This is supposed to be dramatic, I guess, and it would be if they didn’t have the perfectly viable solution of just turning Bella into a vampire. What the hell are they waiting for, Vampire Awareness Day? Considering how much of a danger magnet Bella is, you’d think the Cullens would want her be nigh invulnerable as soon as possible.

New Moon, Ch. 22-Epilogue

Chapter 22. Flight

They fly home. Bella and Edward spend the flight in one big cutesy public display of affection. No mention is made of the poor businessman probably in the next seat trying not to make the situation more awkward.

Chapter 23. The Truth

Uh-oh, I’m not sure we can handle this. <rimshot> Actually, it just turns out to be Bella and Edward’s repeated declarations of love for each other. Think Anakin and Padme, only with less sand. The chapter ends with Bella making a choice for herself for once and putting her potential vampirization to a vote.

Chapter 24. The Vote

Bella and Edward won’t shut up. As they talk, Bella realizes that the Edward-voice in her head was her own subconscious mind’s way of telling her conscious mind that Edward loved her. This is impressive in a couple of ways: it’s impressive for the three people who actually find this terribly romantic, and I’m sure those people are hugging any nearby stuffed animals or patient loved ones with glee. It’s also impressive for everyone who has studied fiction writing, for this is a breathtakingly pure execution of a terrible writing choice. Seriously, could Meyer have picked a less statisfying explanation for a BS plot device? It’s like New Moon fell out of the Bad Writing Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Anyway, they get to the Cullens and put Vampire Bella up for a vote. The vote passes. Edward persuades Bella to wait until graduation. This would be a good time to remind Bella that she will crave human blood, but nobody does this. Let’s hope Bella the Vampire Sociopath doesn’t have any accidents.

Bella returns home and gets into an argument with Charlie. It basically doesn’t change anything, so I won’t bother to summarize it.

Epilogue. Treaty

Jacob shows up with Bella’s motorcycle, apparently in an effort to get her in trouble. Remember that subplot? It looks like Stephenie Meyer didn’t, either. Anyway, he tells Edward and Bella that the deal between vampires and werewolves is off if Bella becomes a vampire. I have no idea why the Cullens don’t plan to move up to Canada or something, for the werewolves aren’t exactly the best neighbors. Really, it’s not like they have anything keeping them in Forks. Sadly, Stephenie Meyer isn’t interested in solutions reasonable people would consider, so I’m sure one or both of the two remaining books will draw upon this situation for angst.

——————————————-

Well, here we are at the end of another Twilight series novel. I’ll get the good out of the way: the prose isn’t as purple as in the first one. And…yeah, I’ve got nothing else positive. Sorry, but I tried. New Moon puts us in the mind of an unlikeable girl experiencing a drawn out breakup of a relationship that never made sense to begin with. Plot “twists” are predictable and contrived, and it’s hard to imagine that anyone other than Stephenie Meyer herself is impressed by all this. Those of you who thought there wasn’t much to Twilight will be even more annoyed by New Moon: the characterization is as flat as a steamrollered pancake, and there isn’t any plot to speak of. Simply put, New Moon feels like a collection of deleted scenes from other books in the series rather than a story in itself. Note that we’re basically the same place we were at the end of Twilight, and when it takes 300 some pages to achieve absolutely nothing, readers might justifiably ask why they should bother. Let’s hope something actually happens in Eclipse.

New Moon, Ch. 19-21

Chapter 19. Hate

Alice and Bella are on a plane to Italy. We check in with Alice’s plot sense to make sure they aren’t too late. If you guessed they aren’t too late, congratulations, you’re thinking farther ahead than Meyer expected you to. We learn that Alice is getting sick of all this crap and has considered just turning Bella into a vampire to be done with this. Bella’s response:

"Oh, Alice, do it now! I could help you so much–and I wouldn't slow you down. Bite me!"

Must…resist…too…easy…

They steal a car and drive to Volterra. Yes, that’s all that happens in this chapter.

Chapter 20. Volterra

Alice bribes her way into the city with a thousand-dollar bill. The guard asks if this is a joke, and I’m not surprised: bills of that denomination haven’t been issued since the 1940s and look  different enough from modern dollars to attract a lot of unwanted attention. Long story short, they get into the city and Bella catches up with Edward before he can annoy the Volturi and get himself killed. And like so the big conflict hinted at earlier dies, not with a bang, but with a whimper and Bella calling Edward “beautiful” one more time. But hey, at least the decontextualized passage that made up the Prologue is actually in the book this time.

I’d like to tell you that Edward realized he can’t live without Bella, Alice turns Bella into a vampire, and they all live sparkily ever after, but I think you realize by now that we aren’t that lucky. It turns out the Volturi were watching Edward, and now they want him to see the big boss one more time. Stephenie Meyer seems to have learned from other novels that conflict is important, but she hasn’t learned why or where to put it.

Chapter 21. Verdict

Bella and the Cullens are brought before Aro, the head guy. He’s suprisingly affable, though he seems to think Edward should just eat Bella and be done with it. Hey, I like the guy already.

We’re introduced to another…Voltur? Volturo? What’s the singular for “Volterri”? Anyway, his name is Marcus, and he can sense relationships. Alice can see the future, Edward can read minds, and this guy senses…relationships. Not every superpower can be a winner, I guess. Anyway, he says Edward and Bella have a really strong relationship. I’ve really got to hand it to Stephenie Meyer: most authors would try to show us a strong relationship, but look at how much less work it is just to invent a character to tell us what she wants us to think! Brilliant.

Anyway, they’re annoyed that Bella knows about vampires, but Edward gets her off with a vague promise to turn her at some point. Apparently the Volturi work by the honor system, for that’s good enough for Aro. Just as they’re getting ready to leave they pass a large group of tourists who are implied to be lunch. And I have to wonder just how the Volturi have kept out of sight for millenia if groups of forty tourists go missing on a regular basis. Wouldn’t somebody less likely to attract lots of international scrutiny make a better target?

New Moon, Ch. 17-18

Chapter 17. Visitor

Bella walks into her living room to see Alice. It turns out Alice is there because she caught a glimpse of Bella jumping off the cliff and thought she was dead. Well, there’s another great reason not to attempt suicide: it gives your clairvoyant supernatural friends a real scare. They catch up for a bit, and fortunately Stephenie Meyer summarizes the situation with Victoria and Laurent this time. The writing isn’t even within throwing distance of good yet, but it’s getting better.

Alice goes out for a quick snack, and once she returns her eyes are once again described as “liquid,” the ISO standard adjective for eyes in the Twilight universe. We also find out that Alice’s visions don’t extend to werewolves.

Chapter 18. The Funeral

Jacob arrives and makes it clear he doesn’t like that Bella has vampire friends. Ah, fantastic racism at its finest. Maybe after this he’ll edit the “Vampire” page on Wikipedia to redirect to “bloodsucker.” After a tense conversation, he goes in for a kiss, but with perfect soap operatical timing the phone rings and spares Bella from having to decide whether to let him. For some reason Jacob answers the phone, acts like a jerk to whoever called, and then hangs up. Wow. Apparently one of the side effects of being a werewolf is a total disregard for phone etiquette.

Alice shows up and her plot sense is tingling in regards to Edward. Jacob naturally comes unglued, and he and Bella summarize the phone conversation. Now it’s Alice’s turn to flip out, for the person on the phone was not Carlisle, as Jacob had thought, but rather Edward. And since Jacob’s brief excursion from human/werewolf/vampire decency briefly mentioned the funeral that Charlie is at(1), Edward now thinks that Bella is dead. Well, there’s another great reason not to let your supernatural friends act like jerks: it gives your non-clairvoyant supernatural friends a real scare.

But wait, there’s more! Remember Bella’s painful meditation on Romeo & Juliet a few chapters back? It turns out the novel isn’t done screwing with us yet. It looks like we’re seeing Stephenie Meyer’s hideously unsubtle take on intertextuality, for Edward has immediately resolved to drop out of contact with everyone (even throwing away his cell phone) and attempt suicide-by-Volturi. Bella and Alice must now travel to Italy to stop him. What’s that, readers? You studied Romeo  & Juliet as freshmen in high school, too? In that case you must be feeling the same pain I am at being hit over the head with “literary” comparisons.

But we’re not done with the stupid just yet. Oh, no. You see, I’m going make a wild and crazy guess that Bella and Alice will get to him in time to stop him. It’s risky, I know, but it’s a risk I’m comfortable with. So let’s say they prevent the plot from following Romeo & Juliet to its tragic conclusion. This means that Stephenie Meyer is trying to write a tragedy with a happy ending. (2) Seriously. How, Stephenie Meyer? How is this supposed to work? You can’t staple wings to a mole and expect it to fly. Just because Romeo & Juliet is a famous love story doesn’t mean it is an appropriate template for your novel.

Ironically, in attempting something like this New Moon is actually mirroring a passage in another Shakespeare play, Love’s Labors Lost. The main difference is that that play intentionally plays this for laughs: Don Armado, a nobleman with more ardor than brains, asks his servant to tell him about other great men who have been in love. His servant, a boy with more classical knowledge than reverence for his master, suggests Samson and Hercules–two great men who were destroyed by the women they love. Don Armado, of course, fancies the comparison, and the audience gets a laugh at his expense.

Well, that’s why you don’t try to improve upon Shakespeare, I guess: your clairvoyant and non-clairvoyant supernatural characters aren’t up to the task.

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(1) Of the Quileute man who had the heart attack–see Chapter 16, Twilight fans! –ed.

(2) It also means, apparently, that Meyer has found a way to screw up an ending where everyone dies. I didn’t think there was much ambiguity about how that’s suppose to work, but apparently one person was unclear.

Twilight: The movie

Well, here we go. The Twilight movie. Let me open with a compliment: it’s not bad. It’s better, in fact, than the book, and not many movie adaptations can say that. Having real flesh-and-blood humans playing the roles does a lot to flesh out characterization that can charitably be described as spartan. This cuts both ways, though, since a lot of the menace that was described (albeit poorly) in the book is reduced to zoom pans of  actors glaring at the camera, and this doesn’t make me think of “menace” so much as of Derek Zoolander’s “blue steel.”

There are other improvements as well. There are a few nice touches, like the mural of graduation caps on the wall at the Cullens’ house and the scene where the Cullens quickly try to cook for Bella (though now that I think of it, they’d probably remember from their human days). Bella is more likeable, for they’ve written her to be reserved instead of merely cold, and she no longer contemplates running people over all the time. Edward comes across as more uncertain or awkward than stiff and in control. It’s just more believable, and while I’m normally leery of attempts by a movie to “improve” upon a book(1), I’m okay with it here.

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(1) See Starship Troopers, or, better yet, don’t.