Breaking Dawn, Ch. 7

Chapter 7. Unexpected

Bella awakens from a eam in which the Volturi are trying to kill her. In the interest of saving your time and mine, I’m just going to chalk this up as foreshadowing. You know, considering how literally Bella’s dreams usually prefigure what’s going to happen later on in the books, it’s remarkable she hasn’t started to suspect she has something like Alice’s plot sense.

Anyway, Bella finds that Edward is out hunting. She tries cooking for herself, but she can’t keep any food down. Edward returns to find her throwing up, and, unwilling to leave her alone to throw up in peace, he flips out in a characteristic fit of overprotectiveness:

“Are you all right?” His voice was strained.
“Fine,” I panted. “It’s just food poisoning. You don’t need to see this. Go away.”
“Not likely, Bella.”
“Go away,” I moaned again, struggling to get up so I could rinse my mouth out. He
helped me gently, ignoring the weak shoves I aimed at him.
After my mouth was clean, he carried me to the bed and sat me down carefully,
supporting me with his arms.

And again, when Bella is silently counting the days she’s been on the island:

“Bella!” he whispered urgently. “I’m losing my mind over here.”

In more than a century of life, Edward has not learned the difference between being helpful and smothering. I know I’ve said this before, but if Stephenie Meyer were trying to portray these people as weird and unhealthy, this would be pretty good characterization; sadly, there’s every sign it’s meant to be true love.

Anway, Bella decides she’s pregnant. This makes zero sense, since vampires have been described as completely sterile up to now, and Rosalie’s sterility is responsible for most of her characterization so far. But fear not, readers! Stephenie Meyer is here to explain away your worries through the convenience of Bella’s narration:

I thought of Esme and especially Rosalie. Vampires couldn’t have children. If it were
possible, Rosalie would have found a way by now...

Except that…well, there was a difference. Of course Rosalie could not conceive a
child, because she was frozen in the state in which she passed from human to inhuman.
Totally unchanging. And human women’s bodies had to change to bear children. The
constant change of a monthly cycle for one thing, and then the bigger changes needed to
accommodate a growing child. Rosalie’s body couldn’t change... 

And human men—well, they pretty much stayed the same from puberty to death. I
remembered a random bit of trivia, gleaned from who knows where: Charlie Chaplin
was in his seventies when he fathered his youngest child. Men had no such thing as
child-bearing years or cycles of fertility.

Hear that? That’s the sound of a million andrologists crying out in professional pain. Although the male reproductive system lacks an overt cycle a la ovulation, spermatogenesis is indeed cyclic:

A cycle of spermatogenesis involves the division of primitive spermatogonial stem cells into
subsequent germ cells. Several cycles of spermatogenesis coexist within the germinal epithelium
 at any one time. The duration of an entire spermatogenic cycle within the human testis is 74
days. During spermatogenesis, cohorts of germ cells at the same point in development are linked
 by cytoplasmic bridges and pass through the process together. There is also a specific
organization of the steps of the spermatogenic cycle within the tubular space, termed
spermatogenic waves. In humans, this is likely a spiral cellular arrangement, which probably
exists to ensure that sperm production is a continuous and not a pulsatile process.
(source1; see also source2, source3)

Being turned into an icy, diamond-hard statue will mess with the male reproductive system just as surely as it will the female one. Even Charlie Chaplin can’t reproduce under those circumstances.

Anyway, Stephenie Meyer has apparently decided that’s she’s waved her hands enough, and Edward begins making plans for Bella to get a checkup from Carlisle. (Speaking of Carlisle, he’s whiffed his medical duties once again: it takes a special kind of doctor to not even know how his own species reproduces.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hi, everybody!”

“Hi, Dr. Carlisle!”

Edward is temporarily foiled by their Brazillian housekeepers, who have used their magical ethnicity powers to guess that he’s a vampire. He persuades them to go away and he and Bella fly home. Chapter ends.

—————————

Well, that was easily the most hamfisted change of series mythology I’ve ever seen. Bella is clearly Meyer’s special snowflake, for Meyer can’t bear to have anyone’s choices turn out for the worse. This has always been a weakness of the series, but now it’s metastasized to disastrous proportions. This goes to the heart of the series, for it’s always tried to have drama while precluding any possibility of things going sour for the protagonists. You can’t have drama if everything always turns out a-okay, and I suspect that’s why Meyer keeps having her characters make stupid choices: if they don’t, the series grinds to a halt. This book shows every sign of turning into a train wreck.

“What we become…”

“What we become depends on what we read after all of the professors have finished with us. The greatest university of all is a collection of books.”

—Thomas Carlyle

“When Earth’s last picture is painted”–Rudyard Kipling

When Earth’s last picture is painted and the tubes are twisted and dried,
When the oldest colours have faded, and the youngest critic has died,
We shall rest, and, faith, we shall need it — lie down for an aeon or two,
Till the Master of All Good Workmen shall put us to work anew!

And those that were good shall be happy: they shall sit in a golden chair;
They shall splash at a ten-league canvas with brushes of comets’ hair;
They shall find real saints to draw from — Magdalene, Peter, and Paul;
They shall work for an age at a sitting and never be tired at all!

And only the Master shall praise us, and only the Master shall blame;
And no one shall work for money, and no one shall work for fame,
But each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
Shall draw the Thing as he sees It for the God of Things as They Are!

—-Rudyard Kipling, 1892

Spiders

I don’t like spiders. I don’t like the way they skitter along the ground; I don’t like their spindly, angled legs. I don’t like they way dangle from your ceiling and, wholly uninvited, build webs in inconvenient places. I know they are typically harmless, even helpful. I know they are a fraction of my size and avoid me as much as I avoid them. Call me a coward, call me any name you like, but every time I cross paths with a spider I have to fight off a shiver.

But in the past two days I have had two interesting encounters with spiders. The first one happened yesterday, when I was walking down the street and happened to notice an oddly shaped insect. It was black and irridescent green, and its back was covered with small white dots. I guessed it might be a spider, but it was small and compact, not long and spindly. I went back and leaned in closely to look at it, and it turned to face me. I guessed it was a jumping spider by the eyes: two big ones in front, six smaller ones along the side. Jumping spiders have phenomenal eyesight, their eyes more acute, in some ways, than human eyes. They are also immensely curious and quite brave. Instead of fleeing from humans or larger animals, they typically stand their ground and raise their front legs in a show of strength. Sometimes they even move closer to investigate.

The one in front of  me did exactly that: it turned to face me, looked at me with its two large eyes, and raised its two front legs. We stood there for a few minutes, I bent over and he bent back, motionless and still. I wished I had some way to capture that moment, to take a picture of a spider in a pose of curiosity.

The second encounter happened today, where a spider tried to make a web on my windshield as I drove to the store. This time I felt uncomfortable, not curious. For one thing, I wasn’t sure if the spider was on the inside of the windshield or the outside. I thought it was on the outside, but the thought of the spider deciding to let go and fly back in my face was utterly terrifying. As I drove it would stay motionless, but it would return to its work whenever I stopped. After a few blocks it was clear that neither he nor I was going anywhere, so I resigned myself to spending a few minutes with a spider inches from my face. To console myself, I thought of the biology classes where I learned that crabs are part of the same phylum as insects and spiders. This consoled me–a little. I have no strong feelings about insects, and, in complete and inexplicable contrast to my feelings about spiders, I’ve always felt an odd liking for crabs. I tried thinking of the spider as a ground crab, and that was reassuring; surely there isn’t much difference between a spider and this:

Or this:

Especially when close to your face, I’d imagine.

I should specify that it’s only small spiders that bother me, and large ones are less troubling. I even used to own a tarantula, a pet I gained when a neighbor moved away. I don’t know what kind it was, but it didn’t matter: it mostly wanted to be left alone, and it might as well have been a carnivorous rock. Until I gave it away our interactions were mostly confined to the occasional cricket feeding; had it been a human, I’m sure our relationship would have never moved beyond a mutual nod and a brief “  ‘morning” as we walked past each other on the street.

Breaking Dawn, Ch. 5-6

Chapter 5. Isle Esme

Able was I ere I saw Esme–wait, no, that doesn’t work.

The wedding is over, and that means no more of Jacob the psychopath werewolf for a while. Oh, if you’re keeping track:

Number of Quileutes injured by vampires: 0

Number of Quileutes injured by werewolves: 1

Between Sam and Jacob, that whole “protector of the tribe” thing hasn’t worked out too well for them.

This chapter begins with Bella and Edward’s flight to…wherever. It turns out Bella doesn’t know where she’s going on her honeymoon. We’re told about the various stopovers and transfers as they fly to somewhere in South America. If you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know exactly how exciting all this isn’t.

There’s a bit after this when they are on a boat that actually made me laugh:

“Are we going much farther?” I asked.
It wasn’t like him to forget that I was human, but I wondered if he planned for us to live
on this small craft for any length of time.
“About another half hour.” His eyes took in my hands, clenched on the seat, and he
grinned.
Oh well, I thought to myself. He was a vampire, after all. Maybe we were going to Atlantis.

Character development in this series is as rare as hens’ teeth, so I like to savor what I can get. It’s about time Bella finally acknowledged how weird her life is instead of accepting it without question. It turns out that Carlisle owns an island off the coast of Brazil. Edward decided the tropics would be the best place for a person who is about to be in very close quarters with someone with an ice-cold body temperature.

Fortunately for us, the chapter cuts away when Bella and Edward go to dance the blanket hornpipe.

Bella wakes up the next morning to hear Edward pitching a fit about how much he hurt her. At first I thought this was way too much information, but it turns out he’s referring to bruises on her arms that his stone-like body caused. Bella doesn’t understand at first:

“Why would you jump to that conclusion? I’ve never been better than I am now.”
His eyes closed. “Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“Stop acting like I’m not a monster for having agreed to this.”
“Edward!” I whispered, really upset now. He was pulling my bright memory through
the darkness, staining it. “Don’t ever say that.”
He didn’t open his eyes; it was like he didn’t want to see me.
“Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I’m not a monster.”

For some unguessable reason, Edward acts like a drama queen for a few more pages. I have no idea why Stephenie Meyer is showing us this, or why Edward suddenly feels the need to act like this. It seems like the same thing could have been accomplished more effectively by Bella saying something like, “We had a more to worry about than most new married couples, but we worked it out okay in the end.” But no, we get pages and pages of Edward acting all Byronic and calling himself a monster and Bella trying to reassure him it’s no big deal. I’ll quote one more passage just so you can see what a ninny Edward is:

"Don’t be angry. Don’t. I’m really f—” [Bella said.]
“Do not say the word fine.” His voice was ice cold. “If you value my sanity, do not say
that you are fine.”
“But I am,” I whispered.
“Bella,” he almost moaned. “Don’t.”
“No. You don’t, Edward.”
He moved his arm; his gold eyes watched me warily.
“Don’t ruin this,” I told him. “I. Am. Happy.”
“I’ve already ruined this,” he whispered.

Defenders of Twilight often praise Edward for being such a good communicator, but his “communication” skills here seem to consist of ignoring Bella and making a mountain out of a molehill. (Hilariously, as I was Googling for an example of this, I learned that there is a Dr. Edward Cullen practicing in Delaware. I bet he’s come to hate his life since this series came out.) Oh, and they’ve been married less than twenty-four hours and they’ve already had their first married argument.

Oh, I forgot to mention it earlier, but they’re covered in feathers while they’re arguing. Edward apparently bit open all their pillows during the night. I’d make a joke about that, but I don’t know any way to make it more ridiculous than it already is.

Eventually the argument ends when Bella gets hungry. She goes into the kitchen and cooks some eggs. Incidentally, we see Bella eat a few times during the honeymoon, and each time she eats eggs and nothing else. I guess if the Volturi don’t get her, the cholesterol will.

More awkwardness related to the above. Thankfully the chapter ends here.

Chapter 6. Distractions

Edward and Bella do the usual island vacation stuff–swim, snorkle, etc. If you’re wondering why the hell we’re reading about somebody’s uneventful vacation, you’re in good company, or at least my company. It has not occurred to Stephenie Meyer or her editor that being married to a non-practicing vampire does not automatically make your mundane activities interesting.

Anyway, it doesn’t sit well with Bella that Edward is being so careful around her. They resume their last conversation, and Bella tries to persuade Edward to reconsider his stance on…you know what? The hell with this. Stephenie Meyer might think Bella and Edward’s sex life is a interesting subplot, but you won’t get me to agree. This sucks even by Twilight series standards. I’m ending this chapter’s summary here. If you’ve been reading these recaps to find out what happens, don’t worry: nothing happens. This chapter is cancer and madness; it is the literary equivalent of dividing by zero. I am a worse writer for having read this.

Breaking Dawn, Ch. 2-4

Chapter 2. Long Night

The chapter begins with Bella and Edward chastely in bed. There’s nothing here we haven’t seen before, so I think I’ll quote a different book while we wait for this book to move on:

Writers must therefore constantly ask: what am I trying to say? Suprisingly often they don't
know. Then they must look at what they have written and ask: have I said it? Is it clear to
someone encountering the subject for the first time? If it's not, some fuzz has worked its
way into the machinery...Look for the clutter in your writing and prune it ruthlessly. Be
grateful for everything you can throw away. Reexamine each sentence you put on paper. Is
every word doing new work? Can any thought be expressed with more economy?

—William Zinsser, On Writing Well

Oh, hey, they’re done! Bella now apparently has a flashback to when Carlisle told her how the Volturi banned child vampires. Since they stop growing up at the point of vampirization, they have no self-control and are too cute to be disobeyed. I have the feeling Stephenie Meyer hasn’t grasped that not everyone has the same threshold of cute, but the point is still clear that child vampires = bad news. Bella then has a nightmare about a beautiful vampire child. I guess this happens during the flashback and not the present day? I’m just as lost as you are.

Chapter 3. Big Day

And now we’re back to Alice, who is still busy being a ditz and micromanaging Bella’s wedding. For some reason Stephenie Meyer has really played up Alice’s relative cheerfulness into constant flightiness. Sadly, she’s dropped quite a few IQ points in the process, a sad fate for what was, as of New Moon, the most intelligent character in the series.

Anyway, Rosalie shows up and helps Alice get ready:

I had never been Rosalie’s favorite person in the world.

If you haven’t noticed by now, Bella never says what she means; she always approaches it obliquely. This is a realistic speech pattern for some people, but it gets annoying fast when written down. After a while you get tired of piecing together what Bella is trying to say. Not a good sign for a character who never says anything interesting anyway.

Then, making things even more strained between us, she was personally offended by the choice
 I was making now.

As opposed to impersonally offended? Offended in the abstract? Wouldn’t it make more sense just to say that she hated that choice? Remember, this is Stephenie Meyer’s fourth book. We really should be seeing(1) some improvement in the writing by now.

Once the preparations are over, the wedding happens. Nothing unusual happens, and it’s much the same as any wedding you’ve been to. Let’s move on; the novel wants to.

Chapter 4. Gesture

If I had my druthers, it would be a rude one.

The wedding gradually becomes the reception, and we’re treated to a long series of people offering their congratulations to Bella. This is exactly as exciting as it is in a real wedding, except we care less about these people. Jacob shows up to offer his best wishes, but he comes completely unglued when he realizes that, oh, hey, Bella and Edward are totally going to have sex on their honeymoon. Way to catch up, Jacob.

“What?” he gasped. “What did you say?”
“About what… ? Jake? What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean? Have a real honeymoon? While you’re still human? Are you
kidding? That’s a sick joke, Bella!”

I glared at him. “I said butt out, Jake. This is so not your business. I shouldn’t have…
we shouldn’t even be talking about this. It’s private—”

His enormous hands gripped the tops of my arms, wrapping all the way around, fingers
overlapping. 

“Ow, Jake! Let go!” 

He shook me.

Shaking and yelling at the bride in front of the entire reception sure puts a damper on the mood, doesn’t it? It hasn’t been easy to sympathize with Jacob since he became a werewolf, but I have to say that here he comes across as a phenomenal loser. Why even make an appearance at a wedding if you know you’re at risk of popping a mental wheel? Yes, it’s hard to watch someone you’re in love with marry someone else, but that’s why you don’t do it. Just check No on the RSVP and find somewhere else to be that weekend.

It would be bad enough if Jacob were just having a hissy fit in the corner, but no, he’s actually hurting Bella here. The other werewolves–they came too, and they behaved themselves–are horrified. Edward steps in, and Jacob…well, see for yourself:

“I’ll kill you,” Jacob said, his voice so choked with rage that it was low as a whisper.
His eyes, focused on Edward, burned with fury. “I’ll kill you myself! I’ll do it now!” He
shuddered convulsively.

It’s a good thing the Quileutes have werewolves to protect them from vampires.

——-

(1) This sentence originally read “being” instead of “be seeing.” As Tim noted below, complaining about someone else’s poor writing with your own poor writing is more than a little ironic. I corrected the sentence, but I note the change here out of fairness: if I’m going to point out the flaws in someone else’s writing, I should acknowledge my own.

The Valley of Vision, by Arthur Bennett

I was overjoyed when Dan mentioned Arthur Bennett’s book of Puritan prayers,  The Valley of Vision. In Deuteronomy 6:5, we are commanded to “Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength;” I love the prayers compiled in The Valley of Vision because they show us how to do all three at once. I only give one example here, but the rest of the prayers in the book are of similar caliber.

————————

The Infinite and the Finite

Thou Great I AM,

Fill my mind with elevation and grandeur at the thought of a Being

with whom one day is as a thousand years,

and a thousand years as one day

A mighty God who, amidst the lapse of worlds,

and the revolutions of empires,

feels no variableness,

but is glorious in immortality.

May I rejoice that, while men die, the Lord lives;

that, while all creatures are broken reeds,

empty cisterns,

fading flowers,

withering grass,

he is the rock of ages, the fountain of living waters.

Turn my heart from vanity,

from dissatisfactions,

from uncertainties of the present state,

to an eternal interest in Christ.

Let me remember that life is short and unforeseen,

and is only an opportunity for usefulness;

Give me a holy avarice to redeem the time,

to awake at every call to charity and piety,

so that I may feed the hungry,

clothe the naked,

instruct the ignorant,

reclaim the vicious,

forgive the offender,

diffuse the gospel,

show neighborly love to all.

Let me live a life of self-distrust,

dependence on thyself,

mortification,

crucifixion,

prayer.

Breaking Dawn, Preface-Ch. 1

Well, here we are. Breaking Dawn. It’s been, as the Enterprise theme song goes, a long road gettin’ from there to here. I came into the series expecting a cheesy romance about vampires and got a story about pedophilic werewolves and a joyless, sociopathic love triangle–romance, admittedly, but more horrifying and off-putting than merely cheesy. I suppose all along I was expecting harmless fluff, the vampire bit notwithstanding. Well, I’ve learned my lesson; absurd as the Twilight series is, I’ve come to realize that a dark and rather sour vision of life and love lurks at the heart of it. I know now that I have expected far, far too much of the characters, and I have come to embrace the futility of outrage over their choices. They are foolish, aggressive, stupid, insane, heartless, and devoid of any sense of proportion; what choice can creatures like these make that isn’t, in some way, outrageous?

As I say, here we are. Here we are at the book in the series that even the fans have been reluctant to consider canonical, the book that everyone has told me is completely, utterly bonkers. I believe it; I don’t know when it came out, but by then I’m sure Stephenie Meyer had achieved total protection from the meddling of editors by then. I don’t know how Meyer can make an entire book out of the happy ending she should have delivered three books ago, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it consists of four hundred pages of unbelievable peril and thirty pages of Alice cooing over sparkly happy vampire Bella.

Let’s begin.

——————————

Preface

I’d had more than my fair share of near-death experiences; it wasn’t something you ever
really got used to.

I know it’s only the first sentence, but let me rewrite it to show what an on-the-ball editor would have done with that sentence:

“I’ve been close to death many times. Somehow I’m not used to it yet.”

That’s not the best rendering, or even a very good one. Still, it’s shorter, more succinct, and it cuts out the awkward chattiness of the last clause. Talking about your own imminent death shouldn’t sound like a conversation you have at the bus stop.

It seemed oddly inevitable, though, facing death again. Like I really was marked for
disaster. I’d escaped time and time again, but it kept coming back for me.

It’s because you’re an idiot, Bella.

Still, this time was so different from the others.

Not that you’re used to them or anything.

You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. All
my reactions were geared toward those kinds of killers—the monsters, the enemies.
When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you
run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was
all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it? 

If it was someone you truly loved?

Oh noes! I am experiencing tension on [narrator]’s behalf! However shall he or possibly she resolve this perplexing dilemma? I cannot wait to find out twenty chapters from now when I have all but forgotten this passage!

Chapter 1. Engaged

No one is staring at you, I promised myself. No one is staring at you. No one is staring
at you...I glanced to the left and groaned. Two pedestrians were frozen on the sidewalk, missing
their chance to cross as they stared. Behind them, Mr. Marshall was gawking through
the plate-glass window of his little souvenir shop. At least he didn’t have his nose
pressed up against the glass. Yet.

Although she pretends to be distressed, Bella actually feels relieved that total strangers feel compelled to stare at her. It makes her feel loved.

Actually, it turns out that people are staring at her car, an exotic Mercedes we are told is normally driven by heads of state or other assassination targets. It turns out Edward bought her this car to drive until she becomes vampirized. He has also promised her another car after they marry, he has bribed an Ivy League university to admit her, and has signed her up for what is implied to be a Centurion credit card. We’re told that Bella is uncomfortable with the gifts Edward has lavished upon her, but those gifts are also described for us in no small detail. Clearly somebody wants to have it both ways.

Bella reflects a bit more on her other, post-marriage car:

Probably no body armor on that car—because I wouldn’t need it after the honeymoon.
Virtual indestructibility was just one of the many perks I was looking forward to. The
best parts about being a Cullen were not expensive cars and impressive credit cards.

You’d think that the “best part” would be being married to someone she loves, but here Bella seems more interested in the immortality. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen.

We learn that Jacob went missing after he received an invitation to Bella and Edward’s wedding. I won’t miss him, but I’m sure the book will bring him back somehow.

Bella and Edward tell Charlie, Bella’s father, that they’re getting married. He’s okay with it. So is Bella’s mother. The chapter ends with the gripping scene of Bella grudingly trying on her wedding dress.

Things every adult should know

I love this article:

25 and Over

I would amend #9 to include regular shaving for men (and I acknowledge that I’m still bad about that). I’d also add a 21st point to the list: When to shut up.

Random thought on Harry Potter

I was reading about the series today, and someone raised a good point: why does Dumbledore let Harry get abused for ten years by the Dursleys? He seems to be pretty well informed about things, and Professor McGonagle specifically mentions that she’s been watching the family and thinks leaving Harry with them is a terrible idea. Dumbledore’s given reason–to keep Harry from being affected by his fame–only makes sense until you realize that child abuse will mess a kid up just as badly as fame will. If nothing else, why didn’t he have someone check on Harry every so often? He appears to have just dropped Harry off and ignored him for ten years.