Eclipse, Ch. 14-17

Chapter 14. Declaration

Apropos of nothing, Alice announces Bella’s party is still on. Bella protests, but everyone else is still on the murder topic and they don’t pay attention to either of them. To my pleasant surprise, Bella suggests they go ahead and vampirize her in order to have one more fighter. Alice points out that Bella won’t be much good to them as a newborn vampire. This entire section actually makes a lot of sense, and man, there’s a sentence I’d given up hope of writing about these books. Unfortunately, no one thinks of telling the werewolves about Seattle’s vampire problem, but you can’t have everything, I suppose.

Edward announces its time for them to go hunting, so Bella decides to hang out with Jacob for protection for a while. She goes to the reservation and he’s glad to see her. As usual, Stephenie Meyer has no sense of self-editing, so we’re subjected to yet another boring conversation we’ve heard a million times already. Even Jacob gets bored enough to fall asleep for the chapter, and you know a book needs more editing when we’re waiting for character to wake up from a nap. Once he wakes up, he tells Bella how he feels about her. Again.

Chapter 15. Wager

As usual, the Twilight series reminds me of better literature.

Jacob takes advantage of Bella’s surprise to go in for a kiss. For some horrifying reason, it’s written like a rape scene, and Bella just waits it out:

I opened my eyes and didn't fight, didn't feel...just waited for him to stop.

Ugh. Anyway, Bella punches him and breaks her hand on his face. Jackasstic to the end, Jacob laughs at this. As he drives her home, he goes on and on about how she liked it and how she’ll be thinking about the kiss that night. Jeez. In the Twilight universe, it’s like it’s just not romantic if everyone consents.

They arrive at Bella’s house. While she’s treating her broken hand. Jacob proudly announces to Charlie that Bella punched him because he kissed her. Charlie practically high fives him. Ugh. Even Charlie is being a creep in this chapter.

Edward shows up and there’s the predictable confrontation between him and Jacob. After it ends, Edward casually mentions that Emmet and Jasper have been placing bets on how many people Bella will murder her first year as a vampire. Bella’s response:

I'd been trying not to think too much about the other things that I would be. Wild.
Bloodthirsty. Maybe I would not be able to stop myself from killing people. Strangers, people
who had never harmed me. People like the growing number of victims in Seattle, who'd had
families and friends and futures. People who'd had lives. And I could be the monster who
took that away from them.

Wait for it.

But, in truth, I could handle that part

There we go.

- because I trusted Edward, trusted him absolutely, to keep me from doing anything I would regret.

I know you can all read, but I want to point it out anyway: Bella realizes that her choice will likely result in murder, but she can handle it. True love, ladies and gentlemen.

Chapter 16. Epoch

Having come to terms with her future as a murderer, Bella has moved on to a more pressing issue: she has nothing to wear. Alice comes in to give her some clothes, and this triggers a revelation–the vampires in Seattle are related to whomever stole her clothes! Well, obviously, you might be thinking. If you are, you clearly aren’t the Twilight series’ target audience.

Now that the book has caught up with, well, everyone else, it’s time for the graduation scene. Oh, wait, not quite–it’s time for the preparation for the rehearsal, a moment everyone was no doubt waiting for with bated breath. Yes, there’s nothing more exciting than ceremony preparations, and Eclipse holds back not a moment of them from the audience. Since this is all too stimulating for everyone, I’ll just skip ahead to the next scene. I’m sure you’re disappointed, but it’s for the best.

After the graduation, Bella tells Edward what she figured out. It’s apparently Edward’s turn to hold the idiot ball, for this totally catches him off guard. Once again I have to wonder why Meyer bothers trying to write shocking revelations, or why no one has told her these aren’t exactly out of the blue.

Chapter 17. Alliance

Time for Bella’s party! If you’re wondering why I’m so cheerful, it’s because Bella is doing enough complaining about it for both of us. I don’t think she’s missed a single opportunity to complain about it, and I really think it’s time for Edward to give her another talking-to about being ungrateful.

Jacob shows up to the vampire party with a few other werewolves. Guess I’ll have to reset the “Number of pages since Jacob was a jackass” sign. Just as the book is gearing up for yet another scene of Bella telling someone what everyone already knows, Alice’s plot radar picks up an incoming coffin of newborn vampires from Seattle. Bella immediately wants to run out and meet them to give them what they want to protect Forks. Seeing as how those vampires have been chewing their way through Seattle for half the book already I don’t know why she thinks it will make a difference, but whatever. Fortunately for my common sense, nobody thinks this is a great idea, and the werewolves agree to work with the Cullens to take out the newborns. Bella freaks out and wants Jacob to stay safely out of the battle, but he ignores her. For once she’s better off for everyone ignoring her wishes; hasn’t it occurred to her that if they Cullens fight alone, she has a much better chance of losing someon she loves?

Jacob leaves, accompained by an electric guitar riff. No, seriously, it says that in the book. I don’t know why.