Eclipse, Ch. 18-22

Chapter 18. Instruction

Charming as ever, Bella begins the chapter by complaining about the party Alice threw her. I wonder if Edward has really considered what an eternity with Bella will be like. It’s not like Bella has softened at all in the two years since we met her, and after living more than a century he should be savvy enough to recognize that Bella is kind of a jerk. And since it’s been a while since I last complained about it, how does their relationship make sense? Edward has never mentioned liking anything about Bella other than her smell, and Bella has never mentioned liking anything about Edward except his (godlike, angelic, unbelievable, pick one) beauty. That’s great and all, but it would be nice to see Bella liking Edward for being compassionate or having patience with her rants or something.

Anyway, they go to the anti-newborn tactics lecture Jasper is giving to the werewolves. While on the way, Bella explains to Edward her theory that there’s a connection between Victoria, the newborns, and the stranger stealing Bella’s stuff. I could have sworn she did that in the last chapter, but whatever. We’re about three quarters of the way through the book, and in the Twilight series that means it’s time for a shoddy and hastily-resolved plot “twist.”

Anyway, the lesson goes well, and Bella is marginally reassured that her friends won’t die. Even so, she still makes plans to offer herself to the newborns to keep them from coming to Forks. Right, Bella. I’m sure they’ll become completely harmless, maybe start a vampire baseball league or something if you do that. To my immense relief, Alice quietly nips this in the bud by informing Bella that she knows what’s up and won’t let Bella do anything stupid. About time someone in-universe realized Bella was an idiot.

Just as Jasper is wrapping up, Alice’s plot sense starts tingling. The newborns are on their way to Forks, and they’ve got Bella’s scent from one of her shirts. Well, that’s a better explanation for that plotline than I anticipated, though I wonder why their master bothered. I mean, she had to know where Bella lives in order to steal her stuff, so I don’t know why she didn’t just tell her lackeys the address instead of going through all the trouble of sneaking in and giving Bella advanced warning that something was up. Maybe Victoria figured that a bunch of vampires clustered around a library computer looking at Forks on Google Maps just wasn’t vampirish enough.

Anyway, the werewolves and the Cullens discuss strategy for several pages. It’s a pretty tedious conversation, so I’ll skip the details.

Chapter 19. Selfish

Chapter 19? More like the entire series.

Anyway, Bella wants to contribute to the fight for some reason. You’d think staying out of everyone’s way during the life-and-death battle would be plenty, but no, Bella has to be a drama queen and insist on making herself “useful.” Edward more or less points out that it would be easier for everyone if she stayed put, but Bella begins making plans to get one of the werewolves to take her to the battle. Idiot.

To distract Bella from her stupid plan, Edward tells her that Leah Clearwater, Sam’s original girlfriend, is one of the werwolves. Unfortunately, it looks like there’s a bit of a glass ceiling in the werewolf world: like the men in the pack, she was unhappy about becoming a werewolf at first, but none of the others have much sympathy for her. You’d think they could cut her some slack for having to unwillingly join the werewolf pack led by the guy who ditched her for her cousin (that he proceeded to maul, no less), but no, they just want to complain about the only girl in their club. Sucks to be a woman in the Twilight universe, I guess.

Anyway, Bella isn’t done endangering her friends yet, so she pitches a fit until Edward agrees to sit the battle out to help her. I have no idea how any of this makes sense; shouldn’t someone be calling her on the way she keeps handicapping her friends in battle? If she’s going to insist on being the only mortal in their little party, it seems like she should be willing to follow their orders in combat.

The two of them go off to rejoin the werewolves, who are apparently getting more lessons from Jasper. The Cullens go off to hunt, and werewolf-Jacob stays behind to keep Bella company. She scratches him behind the ears and reflects that it’s nice to have a dog. Yes, seriously. This actually happens. Jacob doesn’t seem to mind, and with that he has officially lowered the bar for men everywhere. Nice one, Jacob. Way to settle. Sucks to be a man in the Twilight universe, I guess.

Chapter 20. Compromise

Bella tries to seduce Edward in this chapter. She fails, but she ends up engaged to him. I’d thought they already were, but whatever. Bella is vastly more upset about getting married so young than about her incipient bloodthirstiness, and I dearly wish Edward would point out how weird it is for someone who isn’t already a vampire to feel this way. You’d think he would be a little concerned about marrying a human who is thoroughly untroubled by murder.

Bella basically spends the rest of this chapter pitching a fit about being engaged. No, seriously, the rest of the chapter is her complaining. For some reason Edward isn’t bothered at all that the girl he just proposed to is complaining bitterly about the situation, nor that she much more interested in becoming a vampire than in marrying him. I think in real life he’d be angry at her reaction and she’d be angry at being pressured to marry so young, and the chapter would end on an argument.

I’ve stopped counting how many conversations they’ve had, but all of the ones I can think of are about murder.

Chapter 21. Trails

Alice persuades Bella to let her plan the wedding. Bella, who is still upset that there’s a wedding at all, grudingly lets her. Bella mentally complains for several more pages about the wedding. Bella and Edward set off to leave a false trail for the enemy vampires to find. Clutzy as ever, Bella cuts herself, and it turns out that Edward is no longer tempted by her blood. I guess Stephenie Meyer decided to leave that bit of character development offscreen.

Edward hand Bella off to Jacob in order to throw off the vampires. Jacob and Bella talk for several pages, but neither says anything important.

Chapter 22. Fire and Ice

It’s snowing, and Bella is hypothermic. This is weird, since they made a big deal earlier about how well prepared Edward is for camping out in the snow. The real reason is soon made clear, for the only heat source around is Jacob, who must get into the sleeping bag with her to warm her up. Although a real first aid practice, I think this was discredited as a legitimate plot point a few decades ago. It’s played exactly in the way you expect: Jacob suggests other ways of “warming up” Bella to annoy Edward, Edward gets annoyed, and so on. To pass the time, Jacob and Edward have a weird conversation about how Bella feels about them even though she’s right there and awake.

Eclipse, Ch. 14-17

Chapter 14. Declaration

Apropos of nothing, Alice announces Bella’s party is still on. Bella protests, but everyone else is still on the murder topic and they don’t pay attention to either of them. To my pleasant surprise, Bella suggests they go ahead and vampirize her in order to have one more fighter. Alice points out that Bella won’t be much good to them as a newborn vampire. This entire section actually makes a lot of sense, and man, there’s a sentence I’d given up hope of writing about these books. Unfortunately, no one thinks of telling the werewolves about Seattle’s vampire problem, but you can’t have everything, I suppose.

Edward announces its time for them to go hunting, so Bella decides to hang out with Jacob for protection for a while. She goes to the reservation and he’s glad to see her. As usual, Stephenie Meyer has no sense of self-editing, so we’re subjected to yet another boring conversation we’ve heard a million times already. Even Jacob gets bored enough to fall asleep for the chapter, and you know a book needs more editing when we’re waiting for character to wake up from a nap. Once he wakes up, he tells Bella how he feels about her. Again.

Chapter 15. Wager

As usual, the Twilight series reminds me of better literature.

Jacob takes advantage of Bella’s surprise to go in for a kiss. For some horrifying reason, it’s written like a rape scene, and Bella just waits it out:

I opened my eyes and didn't fight, didn't feel...just waited for him to stop.

Ugh. Anyway, Bella punches him and breaks her hand on his face. Jackasstic to the end, Jacob laughs at this. As he drives her home, he goes on and on about how she liked it and how she’ll be thinking about the kiss that night. Jeez. In the Twilight universe, it’s like it’s just not romantic if everyone consents.

They arrive at Bella’s house. While she’s treating her broken hand. Jacob proudly announces to Charlie that Bella punched him because he kissed her. Charlie practically high fives him. Ugh. Even Charlie is being a creep in this chapter.

Edward shows up and there’s the predictable confrontation between him and Jacob. After it ends, Edward casually mentions that Emmet and Jasper have been placing bets on how many people Bella will murder her first year as a vampire. Bella’s response:

I'd been trying not to think too much about the other things that I would be. Wild.
Bloodthirsty. Maybe I would not be able to stop myself from killing people. Strangers, people
who had never harmed me. People like the growing number of victims in Seattle, who'd had
families and friends and futures. People who'd had lives. And I could be the monster who
took that away from them.

Wait for it.

But, in truth, I could handle that part

There we go.

- because I trusted Edward, trusted him absolutely, to keep me from doing anything I would regret.

I know you can all read, but I want to point it out anyway: Bella realizes that her choice will likely result in murder, but she can handle it. True love, ladies and gentlemen.

Chapter 16. Epoch

Having come to terms with her future as a murderer, Bella has moved on to a more pressing issue: she has nothing to wear. Alice comes in to give her some clothes, and this triggers a revelation–the vampires in Seattle are related to whomever stole her clothes! Well, obviously, you might be thinking. If you are, you clearly aren’t the Twilight series’ target audience.

Now that the book has caught up with, well, everyone else, it’s time for the graduation scene. Oh, wait, not quite–it’s time for the preparation for the rehearsal, a moment everyone was no doubt waiting for with bated breath. Yes, there’s nothing more exciting than ceremony preparations, and Eclipse holds back not a moment of them from the audience. Since this is all too stimulating for everyone, I’ll just skip ahead to the next scene. I’m sure you’re disappointed, but it’s for the best.

After the graduation, Bella tells Edward what she figured out. It’s apparently Edward’s turn to hold the idiot ball, for this totally catches him off guard. Once again I have to wonder why Meyer bothers trying to write shocking revelations, or why no one has told her these aren’t exactly out of the blue.

Chapter 17. Alliance

Time for Bella’s party! If you’re wondering why I’m so cheerful, it’s because Bella is doing enough complaining about it for both of us. I don’t think she’s missed a single opportunity to complain about it, and I really think it’s time for Edward to give her another talking-to about being ungrateful.

Jacob shows up to the vampire party with a few other werewolves. Guess I’ll have to reset the “Number of pages since Jacob was a jackass” sign. Just as the book is gearing up for yet another scene of Bella telling someone what everyone already knows, Alice’s plot radar picks up an incoming coffin of newborn vampires from Seattle. Bella immediately wants to run out and meet them to give them what they want to protect Forks. Seeing as how those vampires have been chewing their way through Seattle for half the book already I don’t know why she thinks it will make a difference, but whatever. Fortunately for my common sense, nobody thinks this is a great idea, and the werewolves agree to work with the Cullens to take out the newborns. Bella freaks out and wants Jacob to stay safely out of the battle, but he ignores her. For once she’s better off for everyone ignoring her wishes; hasn’t it occurred to her that if they Cullens fight alone, she has a much better chance of losing someon she loves?

Jacob leaves, accompained by an electric guitar riff. No, seriously, it says that in the book. I don’t know why.

Eclipse, Ch. 9-13

Well, the last few chapters have been completely bonkers. Let’s hope these aren’t so bad.

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Chapter 9. Target

This chapter is mostly Bella and the Cullens talking about whatever is hunting Bella. I can’t remember if I mentioned it or not, but a few chapters back it appeared that someone was breaking in to Bella’s room and possibly stalking her. (Well, a person not on the approved list, anyway.) There’s a lot of technobabbl-ish talk about Alices precognition and why it isn’t more helpful. Aspiring writers take note: if an entire conversation takes place about why the plot device isn’t working properly, you’ve become too dependent on it.

Bella gets Edward’s permission to spend time with Jacob. Nice of her stalker boyfriend to give her a night off every now and then.

Chapter 10. Scent

Jacob comes over to investigate Bella’s stalker. They talk about Bella and vampires, just like every other conversation they have in the series. At least this time he isn’t a jerk about it. Nothing much else happens.

Chapter 11. Legends

Bella attends a Quileute council meeting. We get the story of how some of the Quileutes became vampires, and I’m told that Stephenie Meyer made this up out of whole cloth. Nothing important happens in this chapter.

Chapter 12. Time

The chapter opens with Alice doing a mock fortune-telling, much to Edward’s annoyance. I appreciated the brief flicker of humor. Alice informs Bella that she’ll be throwing a graduation party for Bella. Can you guess Bella’s response?

"Okay, Alice. I'll be there. And I'll hate every minute of it. Promise."

I knew you could.

Edward picks up that Bella is getting cold feet, so to speak, about becoming a vampire so soon. Edward wants to give her more time, but she tries to persuade him she’s fine with it. There is one more thing weighing on her mind, though:

"I'm not that girl, Edward. The one who gets married right out of high school like some
small-town hick who got knocked up by her boyfriend! Do you know what people would
think? Do you realize what century this is? People don't just get married at eighteen! Not
smart people, not responsible, mature people! I wasn't going to be that girl! That's not who I
am..."

Becoming a creature who drinks human blood? Totally fine. Getting married right out of high school? Why, that just isn’t done!

Hey, remember that rash of mysterious killings mentioned in the first chapter? They’re getting worse. We’re treated to an in-universe newspaper article about the killings. Police are totally baffled, of course, because only in the Deafula universe cops automatically assume vampires are involved.

The chapter ends with Jasper telling Bella his backstory for some reason.

Chapter 13. Newborn

It turns out Jasper had been a major in the Confederate army when he was turned into a vampire. Interestingly, it looks like vampire coffins with up to twenty individuals have been known to exist. Also, vampire killings are sometimes blamed on plagues, at least according to Jasper. I doubt it, since a corpse missing all its blood doesn’t much look like death by cholera, but whatever. He talks about his time in a vampire army, and he explains that he thinks the killings in Seattle are probably caused by an army of new vampires abandoned by their creator. The Cullens decided that they need to put a stop to this, and they begin making plans to hunt the army down. They wonder whether someone is getting ready to take them on with the army and also wonder why the Volturi are taking so long to act. I’m wondering why they don’t just send the Volturi the newspaper clipping; it’s their job, after all, and the Cullens are still on good terms with them. The smart thing to do would be to vampirize Bella, call up Aro and have him send a few of his guys down to help, but of course no one thinks of this.

Oh, and I’m calling it right now: Victoria is responsible for the newbie vampires.

Edward says the Volturi are waiting because they want the Cullens to take casualties from the vampires. His reasoning? The Cullens are the “largest coven they’ve ever found.” Well, that’s a great theory Edward, except it’s utter rubbish. Were you listening to Jasper a few minutes ago? Remember the part where he was talking about coffins with twenty or more members? The Cullens are small time compared to what the Volturi have already dealt with.

Carlisle calls up the Alaska vampires for help. They agree to help if the Cullens will let them take out the werewolves. So much for that. (Me, I’d probably refuse and then call them back after Bella left, but no, Carlisle is a bit too sympathetic for that.)

The Land of Do-As-You-Please

As it happened, real life and my own idle thoughts met the other day when Beth, Sarah, and I were discussing the iPhone. Sarah happened to mention how distracting a portable, always-on internet connection could potentially be. This, in fact, is the reason I’ve chosen to avoid getting an iPhone-like device for as long as I can. Most of my day is spent in front of a computer by necessity, and constant access to Google and Wikipedia would mean that I could conceivably spend upwards of 90% of my waking life on the internet. Could and would–I know my own tendency towards informational gluttony. The internet has made more information available to more people than anything in history save the printing press, and I doubt the printing press will maintain its lead for another century, and perhaps not even another fifty years. In the grand scheme of things, of course, the printing press will retain its status as the most influential piece of technology for the indefinite future; the internet will have to be around for a while to change as much about human existence as the printing press has.

At any rate, I know that for me extended internet use is like Paul’s food sacrificed to an idol: neither bad nor good in itself, but bad for me at my current level of maturity. The internet is an unmatched distraction engine, a sort of intellectual ground cover that is lovely in its place but a nuisance when it exceeds it. On the internet, there is nobody to tell you “No;” you can go to any website, affect any persona you can make believable, and learn anything knowable to humans–if you are willing to put enough work into it. You can find someone who has something in common with you, no matter how odd or obscure the point of commonality. These are not bad things, and they are not good things. They are merely things you can do for as long as you want, and absent the contraints of offline life you must decide for yourself how long is long enough.

Enid Blyton’s Magical Faraway Tree series contains a place called the Land of Do-As-You-Please. Not having read the series, I don’t know how the children manage in the Land of Do-As-You-Please, but I know that, left to my own devices, I can’t do-as-I-please for very long without running completely off the rails. Pleasures, as C.S. Lewis observed, are a tricky thing; pleasures have a temporal component to them that is vital for their full enjoyment. Simply put, pleasures fade, and it is right for them to do so just as seeds die to become plants.  Much of his Perelandra is dedicated to the exploration of this idea, and of how hard it is to fallen humans to understand that keeping the sensation of pleasure alive with more and more frantic repetition is not only ineffective but perverse.

Since this is all very abstract, let me give an example from my own life: blogging. It’s fun to read blogs and to write them, and for me receiving a comment on one of my blog entries is a singular joy. The temptation for me is to check my RSS reader repeatedly throughout the day to see if anyone has updated or posted a comment. This is something that can be done profitably maybe twice a day, and more likely only once. I know that I don’t think of it in these terms when I am waiting at the reference desk and somewhat bored; no, I know that I’m likely to do it every ten minutes if I don’t find something better to do. This isn’t news to most people, I’m sure, and I think you could argue that Facebook’s redesign is so annoying is that it forces you to think like this whether you want to or not.

The bottom line, I guess, is that the internet isn’t necessarily optimized for you any more than real life is.

Eclipse, Ch. 7-8

Chapter 7. Unhappy Ending

This chapter opens with Rosalie giving Bella her backstory. Long and short of it, Rosalie was raped by her drunken fiance and his buddies and Carlisle turned her into a vampire to save her life. Rosalie had only wanted a happy family and a pleasant suburban existence, so she finds little to like about the vampire lifestyle. She proudly claims she’s never even tasted human blood, which reminds me of a certain Chris Rock sketch, and now I’m imagining a vampire stand-up comic talking about there being two kinds of vampires, vampires and bloodsuckers, and bloodsuckers are always wanting credit for doing what they’re supposed to do.

In general, though, I thought this conversation worked pretty well, for Rosalie has clearly come to terms with her lot in life and doesn’t resort to melodrama to make her point. It’s one of the few passages in the entire series that comes across as real writing, and this is a welcome change from all the narcissism and shortsightedness of everyone else in the cast. Unfortunately, the moment is spoiled whenever Bella opens her mouth or otherwise reasserts her status as narrator. Stephenie Meyer seems capable of writing about unhappy but decent people, but it appears this doesn’t interest her as much as cliche and melodrama do. If it weren’t such a relief from the ocean of mediocrity I’d almost think it was worse. When an author shows that she can write well but doesn’t chose to, it’s hard to read it as anything other than one big middle finger raised at the audience.

Anyway, Rosalie is telling Bella all this to persuade her not to become a vampire, or at least to consider that even though she’s happy with the choice now she might not be centuries down the road. Unlikeable to the last, Bella merely rolls her eyes at this.

Bella and Alice are apparently now at school. Hey, don’t look at me! I’m as confused by the lack of transitions as you are. Anyway, Bella kisses Mike on the cheek in order to manipulate him into covering for her at work. Jacob rolls up on his bike and Bella climbs on. They ride off into freedom, laughing all the way. It’s a bit like Helen of Troy getting drunk and sailing off with Paris while two fleets get ready to launch.

Chapter 8. Temper

Since neither Jacob nor Bella want to talk about the interspecies war they likely just started, Jacob tells Bella about his friend Quil. Quil just became a werewolf, and he’s already imprinted on someone. Already inured to normal werewolf skeeviness, Bella asks what the problem is. Well, Jacob explains, he imprinted on Emily’s cousin. Her younger cousin. Her two-year-old cousin.

Her two-year-old-cousin.

What.

The.

Hell.

What the hell?

What the hell?!

Okay, I think I’m good–

Waitwhat the hell?!

Has Stephenie Meyer lost her damn mind? What on earth is wrong with her that she thinks this is appropriate? Or romantic? Or…anything? Does she not realize that she just made one of her characters a pedophile and called it okay? And what were the editors doing when this got submitted, giving each other piggyback rides? Just listen to this:

"You're making judgments," [Jacob] accused. "I can see it on your face."

Yeah, Bella, how dare you judge his friend for being a pedophile?

"Sorry," [Bella] muttered. "But it sounds really creepy."

"It's not like that; you've got it all wrong," Jacob defended his friend, suddenly vehement.
"I've seen what it's like, through his eyes. There's nothing romantic about it at all...You
become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or
a brother."Quil will be the best, kindest big brother any kid ever had. There isn't a toddler
on the planet that will be more carefully looked after than that little girl will be. And then,
when she's older and needs a friend, he'll be more understanding, trustworthy, and reliable
than anyone else she knows. And then, when she's grown up, they'll be as happy as Emily and
Sam." A strange, bitter edge sharpened his tone at the very end, when he spoke of Sam.

"Doesn't Claire get a choice here?"

"Of course. But why wouldn't she choose him, in the end? He'll be her perfect match. Like
he was designed for her alone."

I don’t even know where to start. Is it a grown man deciding for a two-year-old that he’ll be her perfect mate? The casual acceptance of his buddies of this situation? The blithe indifference to the girl’s own consent? An author portraying Native Americans as bestial pedophiles? This sounds more like the courtroom transcript of the Fritzl case than a young adult novel. It would be one thing if this were supposed to be read as creepy, but the fact that Meyer has her protagonists defending this is something else entirely. What bizarre moral calculus is Meyer doing to expect readers to find this anything other than ten kinds of messed up?

Once again I must point out that Twilight has sailed under my expectations. I joked about Edward being a pedophile for pursuing Bella, but jeez. I never expected the book to deal with literal pedophilia.

After that bombshell, Bella and Jacob get ready for a bit of motorcycle riding. We are not told if Jacob is going to keep an eye out for any toddlers who need a protector, brother, friend, and/or lover. Bella happens to mention that in a few weeks she’ll likely be turning into a vampire, and Jacob totally flips out, kicks her out of the reservation, and promises to hunt down the Cullens no matter how far they flee. Needless to say, this pretty much ruins the moment, and Bella obediently returns home to her the Cullen house. (1) Edward is there and he apologizes for the kidnapping, and things are apparently okay between him and Bella.

———————————————-

(1) And I’ve got to ask, does Carlisle see anything wrong with his Edward kidnapping his human girlfriend and holding her captive? Does he somehow not know? What, is he taking remedial classes in basic medicine after applying one too many tourniquets or moving an injured patient? Learning needlepoint? Playing quarters with the hospital’s blood packs?

Scattered thoughts on Robert Young’s “The Dandelion Girl”

I first read Robert F. Young’s “The Dandelion Girl” a few years ago, when I had just finished watching the anime series RahXephon. Young’s story was cited as an unconscious influence on the anime, and I was intrigued enough to track down a copy of the story. I was pleasantly suprised to find it was one of the “classic sci-fi” stories featured on the Sci-Fi channel during the brief period it was engaged in rebranding itself to establish closer ties with science fiction literature. You can still read the story here, in fact, and if you like “soft” science fiction–the kind that emphasizes human reactions to the speculative elements rather than the details of the elements themselves–it’s not a bad read.

The gist of the story is this: A middle-aged man goes on vacation with his wife and meets a woman half his age while walking alone in the forest. She claims to be from the future, and, since he’s smitten by her, decides to humor her. After a days she stops showing up and he starts to feel guilty, so he goes up to the attic of his cabin to find something to do. He finds his wife’s old suitcase, and in it he finds an old, worn out dress just like the (unique) one the young woman wore. The woman, it turns out, had fled from persecution in her time to marry the younger version of him. He goes into town to meet his wife, she sees that he finally understands, and the two live happily and even more in love than they had before.

It’s a pleasant enough story, and it stands out in my mind as one of the few speculative fiction stories to be about romance rather than merely including it. It’s also a rare example of a romance purely from a male perspective, a rare bird in any genre. And a romance it is: we are told that

Unfortunately, it shows its age, and it shows it not in its technology but in its attitude. Julie, the young woman, is studying to be a secretary–not a bad thing in itself, but here is how she thinks of it:

"I'm studying to be a secretary," she said. She took a half step and made a pretty pirouette and clasped her hands before her. "I shall just love to be a
secretary," she went on. "It must be simply marvelous working in a big important office and taking down what important people say."

The story says “people,” but it might as well have said “men.” This is a good example of what critic Katha Pollit calls the Smurfette Principle: although ostensibly a story about a man and a woman, the female half of the story is peripheral at best. Anne/older Julie, the narrator’s wife, is described as graceful and ageless, with “warm and compassionate eyes with that odd hint of fear in them that he had never been able to analyze.” We learn, too, that she has always been afraid of being photographed. Once we learn of her status as fugitive from the future, the source of these fears is plain, and we are clearly meant to be moved by the idea of a terrified young woman heading into the past in order to try to make a life with the younger version of a middle-aged man she met one careless day in the woods. It’s a powerful idea, to be sure, and there is material there for a charming love story, but only if you ignore one half of the marriage.

I’ve read this story a few times now, and I can’t help but think that the story we don’t is the more interesting one. What was Julie/Anne’s experience of those two decades of hiding? How content was she living in the past? It’s asking a lot of the story to address this while retaining the air of wistful sweetness Young was clearly going for, I know; nevertheless, wouldn’t this have been a masterpiece if he had pulled it off?

In Young’s defense, I should mention that a reading of “The Dandelion Girl” that only examines its sexism is too simple. Young does make an effort to write Julie as an intellectual equal to Mark:

The conversation that ensued proved conclusively that they did have [mutual interests]—though the transcendental esthetic, Berkeleianism and relativity
were rather incongruous subjects for a man and a girl to be discussing on a September hilltop, he reflected presently, even when the man was forty-four
and the girl was twenty-one. But happily there were compensations—their animated discussion of the transcendental esthetic did more than elicit a priori
and a posteriori conclusions, it also elicited microcosmic stars in her eyes; their breakdown of Berkeley did more than point up the inherent weaknesses
in the good bishop's theory, it also pointed up the pinkness of her cheeks; and their review of relativity did more than demonstrate that E invariably
equals mc2; it also demonstrated that far from being an impediment, knowledge is an asset to feminine charm.

Of course, it doesn’t entirely work. Young protests too much: it’s not enough for Julie to be intelligent, she has to be shown discussing arcane scientific and philosophical topics. This is clumsy writing, for we are told, not shown, of Julie’s intelligence.  And, complimentary though this may be, it doesn’t quite square with the flighty portrayal of Julie in the earlier passage. It is problematic that we are shown Julie being silly and childish but merely told that she is more intelligent than that. The impression I get is that Young likes the idea of intelligent women, but he hasn’t gotten to know any well enough to write about them. He seems to realize that the stereotypical female ideal doesn’t go far enough, but he has not realized the degree to which it informs his own, “corrected” ideal.

But it’s unfair for me to examine this story solely in terms of what I wish it had been. I find “The Dandelion Girl” plenty interesting in its actual form, for it seems to be an updated–and happier–retelling of the Cupid and Psyche myth, (1) where a marriage with a supernatural or otherwise non-human being relies upon a man or woman being unaware of or not explicitly acknowledging their spouse’s supernatural nature. This myth or variants of it crop up in quite a few human cultures; for example, the yuki-onna of Japan has a similar story. (3) I wonder whether this might reflect a tacit but universal fear among humans that romantic love is, on some level, always too good to be true, always one lit candle or one unasked question away from disappearing forever. From what I can tell, “The Dandelion Girl” is practically unique in following up its crisis of discovery not with the couple’s downfall, but with the simple revelation that Mark and Anne/Julie’s marriage is exactly what they hoped, and perhaps a bit more. (3)

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(1) Technically I think these myths are assigned the 400-450 range of the Aarne-Thompson-Uther folklore classification system.

(2) Though in all honesty, this may not be the best example: it’s a retelling by Lafcadio Hearn, a Westerner who lived in Japan and recorded a few local legends while he was there. He was likely aware of the Cupid and Psyche myth and could have been influenced by it. See here for his version.

(3) Well, with so little work, anyway. In many tellings Cupid and Psyche get their happy ending, but it requires jumping through a lot of hoops and more than a little divine intervention.

Eclipse, Ch. 5-6

Chapter 5. Imprint

Jacob and Bella are still talking, and Jacob is still acting a like a Class-A jackass. He starts talking about how awesome it would be if he and Edward had a duel to the death. Unsurprisingly this doesn’t sit well with Bella, so Jacob holds hands with her and tells her a story about werewolves. Awww, I guess, though I wonder why someone as obviously attached as Bella is cool with him holding her hand. To pass the time, Jacob mentions that becoming a werewolf has stopped him from aging. Bella briefly reflects on the irony of this and feels a little envious, but she accepts it with good grace.

Just kidding. Bella’s actual response is worth reproducing in full:

"You. Are. Not. Aging," I growled through my teeth.
Jacob tugged my arm gently, trying to make me sit. "None of us are. What's wrong with
you?"
"Am I the only one who has to get old ? I get older every stinking day!" I nearly shrieked,
throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a
Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part.
"Damn it! What kind of world is this? Where's the justice ?"
"Take it easy, Bella."
"Shut up, Jacob. Just shut up! This is so unfair!"

I think the wrongness–in every sense of the word–speaks for itself, so I won’t belabor the point. If Stephenie Meyer had set out to write Bella as narcissistic and sociopathic almost to the point of solipsism this would be pretty effective writing. Sadly, we all know this isn’t the case; there’s plenty of evidence that Bella is basically Stephenie Meyer in fictional form. (See here for Meyer’s description of Bella and here for a helpfully annotated image of Meyer.)

But I digress. Jacob continues his story, and he tells her how Sam, the head werewolf, ended up with Emily, his wife. (We met them in New Moon, if you care.) Werewolves have “imprinting,” which is suppoed to be like “true love” (whatever that means in the Twilight universe), only stronger. Apparently he was in love with one girl, but once he met her cousin he magically “imprinted” on her and now they’re furiously in love. Sam and his pack now hate vampires for triggering their werewolfness and causing sam break up with his original girl. You read that right: Sam hates vampires because they made him date his girlfriend’s hot cousin.

Well, imprinting means never having to say you’re sorry, I guess. Still, I’d love to know how that conversation went down: I keep imagining something like, “I’m sorry, baby, but it’s imprinting. You know how it is. I got to get with your cousin now.” Disgusted by the inherent skeeviness of this story, Bella reacts with outrage.

Just kidding. For some unguessable reason, Bella seems to find nothing especially problematic about this. To my horror, she doesn’t seem all that dismayed when Jacob implies that Sam was the werewolf who left Emily horribly scarred. I know I joked about Sam being responsible for her injuries, but jeez, I never expected that to actually be true. Despite doing my level best not to, I actually underestimated this series’ penchant for creepiness.

Just in case you thought this conversation was going anywhere, Jacob brings it back to the beginning when he reiterates his contempt for vampires. Bella responds that it shouldn’t matter. Where is this going, Stephenie Meyer? I’m pretty sure we’ve heard this already. I’m pretty sure because I just read it in the last chapter. And in the chapter before that. Get on with it already.

Chapter 6. Switzerland

Whoa! My metaphor sense is tingling. Might this chapter be setting up Bella as a neutral party (Switzerland) between two warring factions (vampires and werewolves)? Eh? Eh?

Bella leaves the reservation. As she drives, she notices Edward following her. Bella is afraid to deal with him, so she goes to a friend’s house. Okay, is the Twilight theme for this week abusive relationships or what? Reading this series is like watching an episode of Cops, only with less alcohol and fewer white tank tops.

Angela, Bella’s friend, asks Bella whether Jacob might be jealous of Edward. Bella cluelessly denies it, but Angela doesn’t buy it. I’m amazed Stephenie Meyer let someone contradict Bella without suffering retribution from the universe, but it’s true. Angela seems to be set up as the token wise and observant character in the novels, and that means she can gently point out self-evident things like this even as she ignores the really unhealthy things Bella does. And by the way, where was Angela the four months Bella had screaming nightmares? I guess “observant” in this series means “observing” whatever the plot calls for.

Bella’s response?

"Jake's going through kind of a tough time. He needs me."

No, Bella, I’m pretty sure he needs someone that isn’t likely to spark an interspecies war just for visiting him. And who doesn’t want to become a creature that is his mortal enemy. And, ideally, is not a sociopath.

Bella leaves for home. Edward is there, and they have the predictable argument about her visit. To her credit, Bella actually shows a spine and doesn’t back down. Still, that doesn’t count for much with a vampire stalker boyfriend who is willing to disable her car to keep her at home. I’m suprised he doesn’t just bind her feet. The conversation ends because Edward needs to head out of town, and Bella goes over to have a slumber party with Alice.

Ah, the slumber party scene. This is one of the creepiest scenes in the series so far, and no, I’m not making a slumber party joke. It’s creepy because Bella is quite literallly being held against her will by her own friends and potential family–for her own good, of course. To her credit, Bella seems to realize this is wrong:

"Alice, don't you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic,
maybe?"
"Not really." She sniffed. "You don't seem to grasp how dangerous a young werewolf can be.
Especially when I can't see them. Edward has no way to know if you're safe. You shouldn't
be so reckless."

Alice laughs about it, but she takes care to keep Bella out of contact with others. I’m not exaggerating–Bella has to persuade Alice to let her use the phone. With reluctance, Alice lets her have her phone call. Bella calls Jacob and cancels an upcoming visit to the reservation. Her reason? She’s being held hostage by friendly vampires. Yes, that’s the worst thing she could possibly say, and Jacob makes plans to rescue her, but Bella asks him not to and he immediately agrees. By now I’m starting to wonder if Stephenie Meyer is writing this book by Magic 8-Ball, since this makes zero sense given what we know of Jacob’s motivations.

Bella gets ready to go to bed. Odd. What I know about slumber parties can be written in meter-wide letters across the head of a pin, but I’d always assumed they involved more than just sleeping. But wait! Rosalie comes in and wants to talk to Bella. End of chapter.

—————————

Well, the series took a definite turn for the creepy in these chapters. It’s funny and more than a little sad that in a series about werewolves and vapires, the only horror to be found is in the mundane things: spousal abuse, controlling boyfriends, and eighteen-year-old girl furious at life for making her grow up.

Eclipse, Ch. 4

Chapter 4. Nature

I knew that essentially nothing had changed.

Awesome. Mention it to Stephenie Meyer next time.

Graduation was only a few weeks away, but I wondered if it wasn't a little foolish to sit
around, weak and tasty, waiting for the next disaster. It seemed too dangerous to be human -
just begging for trouble.

Whoa. A character just had the same objection I had. Good sense? In the Twilight-verse? Weird.

Unfortunately, nothing happens on this front because Bella wants Edward to turn her but he won’t do it unless they’re married. At this point I honestly don’t know why they haven’t eloped; it’s not like it would get a worse reaction than being turned into a supernatural creature with a craving for human blood.

Hey, are you in the mood for a crushingly obvious metaphor? Stephenie Meyer is! Bella is playing with some magnets and starts to get frustrated that they repel each other:

Finally, exasperated at myself more than the magnets, I pulled them from the fridge and held
them together with two hands. It took a little effort - they were strong enough to put up a
fight - but I forced them to coexist side-by-side.
"See," I said out loud - talking to inanimate objects, never a good sign - "That's not so
horrible, is it?"

Do you get it? Do you see what she did there? The magnets are like Jacob and Edward! And Bella is like…well, Bella, except instead of pushing magnets together she’s pushing two opposing supernatural factions together! Look, everybody, symbolism!

Anyway, Bella goes to visit Jacob. Everything is sweetness and light even though they haven’t had a civil conversation since halfway through New Moon. What is Meyer up to here? I don’t see why she’s still keeping this alive when it’s already served its purpose. Was she hell-bent on writing four books no matter what?

Jacob fills Bella in about the hunt for Victoria, and he wishes that Bella hadn’t attracted Alice’s attention by improvising a suicide, because then they’d still be on good terms. And I believe I speak for every male reader of the Twilight series–all three of us–when I say: It’s over, man. Let her go. Yeah, it sucks that the girl you like is stupidly in love with your mortal enemy, but life is like that sometimes. Pick one of the billions of women not attracted to someone you’re genetically predisposed to hate. Sadly, there’s no one to tell Jacob this, and he tries one last time to convince Bella how stupid it is for a prey animal to try to hook up with its natural predator. He’s right, but everyone knows it’s wasted on Bella. He tries to convince Bella to at least get together with a human. Bella’s response?

"Well, that just sucks!" I snapped. "I guess I'm stuck with Mike Newton after all."

Okay, ladies, enlighten me on this one. How did you feel when Bella said this? As a guy, I don’t think I’ve ever liked Bella less than this moment. And what on earth is Stephenie Meyer going for here? How would you feel if, in The Little Mermaid, the Prince had said, “To hell with human women, only a mermaid is good enough for me!” Would you find it romantic, or would you find it just a little bit insulting that your entire gender isn’t good enough? Wouldn’t it be enough for Bella to say that she’s just in love with Edward without being contemptuous of human men as a whole?

It would be one thing if Meyer had placed someone in the novels to call Bella out on her terrible attitude, or if she had intentionally written Bella to be perceived as stupid or immature. Instead, we’ve been told time and again how much more mature she is than her parents and treated as if she were a thoughtful adult. Doesn’t Meyer realize how it looks when what is ostensibly your wisest character says repellent things?