New Moon, Ch. 4

Chapter 4. Waking Up

The chapter opens with Bella’s father confronting her about the four empty months of the last chapter. It’s not Dostoevsky, but who thought it would be?  It’s reasonably well written, so thanks for that pleasant surprise, Stephenie Meyer. Of course, this raises the question of why she didn’t just go with this instead of prefacing it with the unimpressive literary stunt I complained about last time. But hey, while I’m pointing out good things about New Moon, I should mention that Bella’s condition is a pitch-perfect description of severe depression. We can argue whether it’s really warranted here, but it is depicted the way it should be. This may be the first in-character vulnerability we’ve seen, and it’s a welcome change from the ridiculous token weaknesses like clumsiness she’s been saddled with so far.

We also learn that she has spent so much time ignoring her friends that they’ve largely given up trying to be nice to her. Me, I’d have given up on her six months before, but better late than never. In order to persuade her dad that she’s not as messed up as she actually is, she arranges a girls’ night out with Jess, one of the characters Bella interacted with before she met the Cullens. Since the plot must go on, Jess agrees even though Bella hasn’t been particularly friendly with her since…well, ever, as far as I can remember.

The movie night is uneventful, though there is a weird moment where Bella talks about catching a “twilight showing” and for a moment I thought the novel had completely blown through the fourth wall. While it was hilarious to imagine Bella Swan watching the Twilight movie, it turns out they’re talking about an evening showing of a zombie movie. Nothing about it matters either to Bella or to us readers, but she does realize that her father was right about her being lifeless. And yes, the zombie/Bella comparison is about as subtle as a two-by-four to the groin. It seems Stephenie Meyer has learned from other novels that writers sometimes employ metaphors, but she has not learned why.

Another unintentionally funny line from Bella, Destroyer of Worlds:

The rest of the movie was comprised of gruesome zombie attacks and endless screaming
from the handful of people left alive, their numbers dwindling quickly. I would have thought
there was nothing in that to disturb me. But I felt uneasy, and I wasn't sure why at first.

Bella’s indifference to ordinary human suffering is is rapidly transitioning from subtext to text-text.

The movie ends and they walk out. What follows is one of the weirdest and facepalm-inducing scenes yet: Bella thinks she recognizes the rape gang that Edward protected her from when she was in Port Angeles last year. She isn’t certain, so she tries to attract their attention. Even though this is a well-lit place and not a dark alley, this raises a few questions:

1. This is why I told you to CALL THE BLOODY COPS! You know it’s been an entire year, and you think these guys are still around menacing teenage girls? Your father is the chief of police of a neighboring town, Bella; you don’t think this is a situation that calls for law enforcement?
2. What was she expecting to happen? Yes, it’s a safe place than last time, but why risk it?

Fortunately, it turns out these aren’t the rapists she’s looking for. (She proceeds to move along and go about her business.) Also, Edward comes to the rescue in the form of a voice in her head. No explanation is given for his newfound telepathy, but hey, damsel-in-distress rescues are the only kind of romantic situation Stephenie Meyer knows how to write, so Edward has to step in mentally from wherever he is to warn the one girl he shouldn’t be able to communicate with in this way. Oh, hey, it also means that he’s apparently spying on her at all hours of the day and night to make sure she’s okay. This means we need to update the list:

Things Edward Does That Should Be Creepy But Are Somehow Not Because He Is a Vampire:

• Breaking into her house to watch Bella while she sleeps
• “Playfully” tossing her around and holding her down with his superior strength
• Dating a girl about one-fifth his age
• Spent 90 years pretending he is one-fifth his age
• (new) Spying on his ex-girlfriend 24/7…for her own good, of course

Oh, yeah, also this:

• He also wants to drink every last drop of her blood

New Moon, Ch. 2-3

Chapter 2. Stitches

The Cullens get out of there while Carlisle patches up Bella. Alarmingly, he rips off part of the unsterile tablecloth (!) to make a tourniquet (!!) for Bella. A tourniquet, Carlisle? For a cut? Worst. Doctor. Ever. As he works, the two of them chat about vampirization, souls, and religion. Unsurprisingly, Bella has never given much thought to religion. I say “unsurprisingly” because there’s no indication she’s given much thought to anything, not even the liquid gemstone smouldering love between her and Edward. A line from Bella the theologian:

Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edward.

That may be the most banal statement ever uttered about heaven.

Edward comes back in to take Bella home, and there’s a bit where everyone stands around saying “It’s not your fault” and “It’s not your fault either.” And on some level they’re right, since it’s Stephenie Meyer’s fault for writing Bella so ham-handedly.

Since nothing else of interest happens this chapter, I should mention that in the last chapter Edward brought up the Volturi, a coffin of vampires who are apparently like vampire royalty or something and therefore really powerful. He doesn’t say anything interesting about them and they didn’t have much to do with what was going on at the time, and that sets off my foreshadowing detector.

Chapter 3. The End

Wait, what?

Oh. The end of Bella and Edward’s relationship. In this series, of course that is the end of everything, not just of one thing. Edward has a fit of good sense and realizes that if a mere cut is enough to set off his family, it doesn’t make sense for them to hang out around someone as accident-prone as Bella, and it definitely doesn’t make sense for him to date her. All true, though I wonder why they didn’t realize this earlier; it’s not like people rarely bleed. Without doing much math, a school of 3000 students and enough teachers to support them would have an awful lot of menstruating women. It’s not clear how vampires could stand to be around humans at all if they were really this sensitive.

Anyway, Edward tells her it’s over, Bella is numb with shock, and she apparently enters a quasi-catatonic state in the forest. Eventually she gets rescued by someone who knows her Dad. And then we get this:

OCTOBER
NOVEMBER
DECEMBER
JANUARY

Is this a joke? Does Stephenie Meyer have no one concerned enough about her to tell her that this is a breathtakingly stupid way of writing? This isn’t even a gimmick, it’s unwriting. Rather than do the hard work of writing Bella lost in the throes of grief, we get four short symbols of empty time, an authorial wink as if to say, “Yes, stuff happened, but we don’t really need to deal with it, right?” And I would like nothing better than to wink back and say, “Yes. Yes we do. Because that’s what writing a novel is. Now get back there and actually tell a story instead of just relating a cheap sexual fantasy.”

The intended implication is that there is nothing in Bella’s life apart from her relationship with Edward. No thoughts, no coming to terms with loss, no nothing. We’re supposed to take it as romanic that this brief and superficial high school romance has become completely all-consuming of her life and this is a good thing. I imagine most people reading this summary of the books know more about romance than I do, and I freely admit that I have little authority to make this call. But I have to say that if there is nothing at all to you as a person except a relationship like this, then you’re doing romance wrong. I thought the best relationships were between two whole people, people for whom their love was something added over and above to what they have, not something desperately needed to be merely adequate. Contentment, it seems, has no place in the Twilight universe, only burning passion and utter despair.

Does Stephenie Meyer not know this? Does she disagree? She has written the least romantic romance I have ever seen or heard of. There is no sign that she realizes this, that this relationship is anything less than an ideal to aspire to. Nothing in this world would compell me to trade places with her in life.

New Moon, Epigraph-Ch. 1

I finally realized why I couldn’t bring myself to snark through Midnight Sun: it’s unsportsmanlike. I like to imagine my read-through of the Twilight series as a sort of safari wherein I find and bring down malevolent writing choices–a hunting of the snark, if you will. *rimshot* Going after an unfinished manuscript the author hasn’t edited and never intended to see the light of day simply isn’t a fair challenge. Of course it’s terrible; what unedited manuscript isn’t? Every flaw is balanced and mitigated by the circumstances of its existence. It’s not fair to Stephenie Meyer, and it’s not fun for me.

Of course, that leaves three published novels and a movie for which there is no excuse. Let’s begin.

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Epigraph

These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which,
as they kiss, consume.
Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene VI 

Oh, marvelous. Truly marvelous. Can you ask for a better omen of mediocrity than a love story quoting Romeo & Juliet unironically? Thank you, Stephenie Meyer, for this sublimely poor beginning. I couldn’t have asked for worse.

Preface

The preface continues the tradition started in Twilight of an action sequence plucked artlessly from its proper place in the novel that is placed in the beginning as a teaser. Apparently a clock tower striking the hour is a point of tension for some reason, and the narrator–presumably Bella–can’t move fast enough to stop it. One wonders if this will be just as ill-fitting as Twilight’s preface was.

Chapter 1. Party

I was ninety-nine point nine percent certain I was dreaming.

Thank you, narrator, for that awkward and useless specificity. “I was sure I was dreaming” wouldn’t have nearly the same impact as a decimal devoid of context.

Gran had been dead for six years now, so that was solid evidence toward the dream theory.

Either that, or somebody borrowed the Necronomicon again.

I woke with a start–my eyelids popping open wide–and gasped. Dull gray light, the familiar
light of an overcast morning, took the place of the blinding sun in my dream.

I pause here only to note that eyes usually pop open in surprise. Popping your eyelids isn’t easy–try it!

Anyway, Bella wakes up on her eighteenth birthday to fret about growing older. She goes through her morning routine before heading to school, and it isn’t long before we see some of that old Bella unlikeability:

The sight of Alice waiting there–her tawny eyes brilliant with excitement, and a small
silver-wrapped square in her hands–made me frown. I'd told Alice I didn't want anything,
anything, not gifts or even attention, for my birthday. Obviously, my wishes were being
ignored.

Alice, you stupid, horrible person! How dare you give Bella a gift on her birthday? Don’t you realize she’s the narrator and Stephenie Meyer’s special snowflake? You mustn’t ignore her wishes. That’s rude.

Unbelievably, Bella doesn’t back down: she utterly refuses to accept Alice’s gift. I’m surprised she doesn’t light it on fire and throw it at an orphan. Anyway, it turns out she’s upset because at eighteen she is, and I quote, “older than Edward.” Say what? Does time in Forks follow a Mobius loop or something? Edward is a century old and some change, no two ways about it. In case you’re keeping score, this couple has the guy pretending to be a fraction of his real age and the girl fretting about getting old at eighteen. It’s the most pathological relationship ever!

We learn that the Cullens are fantastically rich thanks to Alice’s ability to predict the stock market. This was a nice touch, and a better explanation for their wealth than I expected. Unfortunately, this is followed by a scene of Edward and Bella watching Romeo & Juliet and commenting on it. <mst3k source=”Terror from the Year 5000″>Hey, they’re taking a break from the novel to watch a movie!</mst3k>

Anyway, Bella complains some more about everyone being nice to her on her birthday, and finally Edward points out that his family hasn’t celebrated a birthday in decades and they miss it, so if Bella could humor them that would be great. Amazingly, this causes Bella to think of someone other than herself, so she backs down. Thanks, Edward.

They arrive at Casa Cullen. Rosalie still doesn’t like Bella. Rosalie is still my favorite character.

Stephenie Meyer still hasn’t learned to write Bella’s clumsiness with anything resembling subtlety, so Bella cuts herself on something, falls on something else, and cuts herself even worse on yet another thing. An open wound at a vampire party isn’t a good thing, so the chapter ends with Bella being menaced by her only friends. Happy Birthday, Bella!

“i thank you God for this most amazing” — e.e. cummings

I always think of this poem when the weather is this lovely.

——————————————

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Thoughts on “Midnight Sun”

Although I never committed to reading Midnight Sun, Meyer’s aborted retelling of the events of Twilight from Edward’s perspective, I had vague ideas about reading it to supplement the rubbish characterization in Twilight. Besides, MS possesses certain characteristics that suggested it would be especially ripe for mockery. If you’ll permit me an incredibly obscure analogy, if books are nuclei and stability is snark potential, Midnight Sun was predicted to be double magic. It’s an incomplete first draft told from the perspective of a male character, and if Meyer can’t deliver a believable and sympathetic character of her own gender, the odds that she’ll do justice to a male character aren’t high.

I underestimated how terrible it would be. I made fun of Twilight for being poorly edited, but now I understand that what editing there was pushed that book from godawfulness into being merely terrible. Edward turns out to be a colossal jackass, his mind reading abilities are mostly used to inform the reader that everyone, male and female, is obsessed with Bella, and the prose–oh good heavens, the prose!–is so purple it makes an eggplant look pale. Bella’s contempt for everyone except Edward was mostly implicit, but Edward’s contempt for everyone, his family included, is the subject of every other paragraph. This puts it somewhere near Frank Peretti’s This Present Darkness in terms of reading painfulness, and that was the novel that caused me to reconsider my policy of finishing every movie or novel I start.

So I did my level best, but I only got through three chapters before I invoked the Peretti Doctrine. Hopefully New Moon won’t be this bad.

Exosquad season 1 released!

Since I’ve just spent the last two weeks taking apart something I don’t like, today I’d like to talk about something I do like. Exosquad aired from mid-1993 to late 1994 or so, and as far as I’m concerned it’s one of the best shows nobody watched. Along with Batman: The Animated Series, it was part of the brief renaissance of American animation that incorporated complex ideas and stories into a genre–kids shows–not normally known for this. Honestly, even the term “kids show” is  unfair; Exosquad dealt with war, politics, genetic engineering, and racism, and, remarkably, gave them a deadly serious treatment while sticking to a PG content level. It would be more accurate to describe it as a show about adult ideas that happened to be written for a young audience, a description that could be equally applied to the ur-example of the genre, Starship Troopers.

But what is it about? you might ask. Structurally, it’s a sort of retelling of World War II set a few hundred years in the future. Humanity has colonized most of the solar system and intra-system travel is commonplace. Colonies and starships are a lot of work to build, so humans create a genetically engineered offshoot of humanity called the Neosapiens. Although they are as intelligent as ordinary humans–now known as terrans to distinguish them from the Neosapiens, who are also technialy human–the Neosapiens were made for cheap labor. Unsurprisingly, the Neosapiens revolted, but the rebellion was put down by humans wearing newly-invented powered armor known as exoframes.

But all this is future history. By the time the series begins, the Neosapien rebellion has been over for decades, and pirates are the only threat humanity takes seriously. J.T. Marsh and his squad of exoframe pilots are part of a terran fleet dispatched to suppress a pirate incursion, and terrans on colonies across the solar system enjoy a high standard of living provided by Neosapien mines on Mars. Neosapiens live for centuries, however, and a group of surviving rebels from the first war orchestrate the conquest of terran settlements throughout the inner solar system. The terran fleet finds itself damaged and alone in the solar system, and it is no match for a force that holds

World War II is often regarded as the last truly black-and-white conflict of modern times, but to my mind one of the core strengths of Exosquad is the show’s outright refusal to reduce its characters to pure heroism or villainy. Terrans generally have the moral high ground over the Neosapiens, but both are quite human, and both make thoroughly human mistakes. The Neosapiens intern humans in camps and exploit them as slave labor, but Neosapiens live much longer than terrans, and it’s a good been that every Neosapien we see guarding a human camp has experienced at human hands every cruelty he visits upon them. Terrans fight back against the Neosapiens, but frequently their efforts are stunted by political infighting or contempt for the human fleet, which they think of as having abandoned Earth to the Neosapiens. Contempt for the other species is common in both species, and both terrans and Neosapiens often regard the other as subhuman. J.T. Marsh and his squad–a squad that includes one friendly Neosapien, himself a veteran of the previous rebellion–often complete their missions only to find that their efforts only made a small contribution or simply didn’t matter in the long run.  In the Exosquad universe, military life is hard, dangerous, and often frustrating, and even heroes die.

In addition to its evenhanded treatment of both species, Exosquad takes care to show how the Neosapien conquest affects different terran cultures. In fact, it is is one of the few stories of interspecies warfare I can think of that goes out of its way to show more than just Americans or Europeans being affected. We see the fates of familar locations in Europe and Chicago, but we also see how the Brazillian city of Manaus and Australian Aborigines struggle to survive the Neosapien conquest.

If I’ve managed to pique your interest, you can watch the entire series on Hulu. Until recently it was only unvailable as  crappy DVD transfers on eBay, but now you can buy a legitimate copy. I can’t wait until my discs arrive.

Twilight, Ch. 23-24 & Epilogue

Chapter 23. The Angel

When I saw this chapter title, I immediately thought of the William Blake poem by the same name. Oh, Twilight, you tease.

Bella awakens, sort of:

 As I drifted, I dreamed.
   Where I floated, under the dark water, I heard the happiest sound my mind could
conjure up — as beautiful, as uplifting, as it was ghastly.

One of these things is not like the other things / One of these things just doesn’t belong…

Believe it or not, I haven’t found much prose in Twilight I’d consider truly egregious, but this certainly qualifies. This is the kind of sentence that shouldn’t even make it into a second draft, much less a published book. This passage is in a book you can pay money for! Somebody looked at this and said, yep, I think we’re goood to go. It boggles the mind.

Anyway, Bella wakes up to find herself safe, or at least not in imminent danger of death by vampire. Yes, you read that right: the author skipped the climax of the book. Just…wow. I’ve never seen a Freytag triangle with a discontinuity in it before. (1)

I’ve tried to restrict my snark to Twilight itself and not Stephenie Meyer as an author, but a book missing its climax is not something that just happens. It’s not something you forget to do while tightening characterization or rewriting for clarity. Having the narrator pass out while everything is going on isn’t merely a bad choice, it’s an absurd one. It is also the purest example of Bella’s uselessness as a human being.

Moving on…

Bella awakes enough to realize she’s been bitten by James. Apparently Edward and unspecified other Cullens have secured the area, for Carlisle is treating her for numerous wounds and Alice is telling Edward to suck the poison out of the bite. Edward isn’t sure he can do this, and Carlisle tells him to decide for himself. This is supposed to add dramatic tension, I guess, but it’s not explained why any of the other Cullens can’t do it. It’s Something He Has To Do Himself, maybe. Anyway, he drains the poison and resists the urge to suck her dry in the process (unfortunately). The chapter ends with Edward carrying Bella out of the studio to safety. So the chapter ends:

  And I was in his arms, cradled against his chest — floating, all the pain gone.
   "Sleep now, Bella" were the last words I heard.

Wha–oh, nice! Is she dead?

Chapter 24. An Impasse

Hey–but I thought–oh, right, three more books. Aw.

Bella awakes in a hospital. We learn that she had several broken ribs, skull fractures, and some other wounds. Those of you who have had any first aid training probably just threw the book against the wall, for the last chapter ended with Edward carrying Bella around in his arms. Not on a stretcher–in his arms. Thanks, Edward. I’m sure Bella is grateful for the brain damage and massive internal injuries. And hey, Carlisle, way to stand around and let him do it. You really put that M.D. to good use today.

In a rare moment of self-knowledge, Bella realizes what a dumb thing she did:

 "I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom."
   "He tricked us all."

Well…no. No, he didn’t. Just Bella. His failure to trick Alice was how they found her, remember?

Bella’s mom arrives to allow Bella to declare that she’s staying in Forks. Yeah, kind of assumed that already, novel.

Once she leaves, their conversation resumes. Edward says something that makes a surprising amount of sense:

A man and woman have to be somewhat equal… as in, one of them can't always be swooping in
and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally."

Except he’s using that as an argument against turning her into a vampire, which seems like the most illogical place to say this. Apart from this, I like the sentiment, and I wish more of the book had acknowledged it. Unfortunately, this makes the earlier absence of it even more conspicuous. If Meyer realizes it takes more than just being a damsel in distress in the presence of a hero to make a relationship, why hasn’t the book shown us this throughout instead of telling it to us at the end? It’s almost as if Meyer knows what makes a healthy relationship but doesn’t find it nearly as interesting as the flashy bits. I find it profoundly unromantic, since it means the book passes up a chance to show a believable, affectionate relationship in favor of one that’s BOLD and DRAMATIC and TRUE LOVE FOR THE AGES!

Anyway, Bella wants to be vampirized, and Edward refuses. Dr. Cullen steps in to point out that she’s in no condition to make a decision like this and suggests they talk about it when she has healed. Bella sees the wisdom of this and backs off.

Oh, who am I kidding? They do nothing of the sort. Edward ponders her choice and agonizes over it, and Bella insists that it would be for the best. Everyone treats her like a rational adult who has weighed the lifelong consequences of her choice and not like an emotionally stunted teenage girl coked out of her mind on pain meds. Long story short, Edward refuses for now, but we learn that Alice has predicted that Bella will become a vampire some day. I can’t wait.

Epilogue: An Occasion

AKA the scene Stephanie Meyer wanted to use for the climax before she decided to shoehorn an action scene in.

Alice has been getting Bella dressed up for something all day, but Bella doesn’t know why. Edward shows up to shut down Tyler (remember him? Van run-over guy?) over the phone, and we learn that he’s taking her to prom. Oddly enough, this means that Bella spent all day putting on a prom dress on the day of the prom without guessing that Edward was taking her to prom. Huh. Well, that’s why you don’t move a person with a skull fracture, I guess.

To everyone’s surprise, Jacob shows up at his father’s request to tell Bella to break up with Edward, and I’m glad the book acknowledges how uncomfortable this situation is. Bella politely declines, and Edward shows up. Awkward! Jacob leaves, and the Bella & Edward show starts up again. Bella is disappointed that Edward didn’t pick that night to make her a vampire, and I’m pretty sure a girl is officially high maintenance when she’s disappointed you’re just taking her to prom and not turning her into a malevolent creature of the night. Edward’s response:

"You thought that would be a black tie occasion, did you?"

Heh. Along with “You brought a snack?”,  that’s one of Twilight’s best lines. Anyway, they argue some more, and the book ends with Edward’s lips on Bella’s throat. It’s deliberately ambiguous, so it’s up to you to decide whether he’s turning her into a vampire or merely macking on her in front of God and all creation.

——————-

So that’s it. Twilight. Believe it or not, it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, or at least not in the ways I was expecting. I expected more baffling, Eye-of-Argon-style diction, and apart from a few overused words(2) there wasn’t much of that. The hardest part, honestly, was Bella. She’s the most unlikeable narrator I’ve experienced in a while; she’s cold, rude, and uses people, but she’s beloved by everyone and is always treated as if she’s a wise adult instead of a teenage girl. After a while–well, okay, after about five minutes–I just gave up trying to empathize with her.

So where to from here? I’ll probably take a break from the books until I see the movie. Might as well do it while the book is fresh (*shudder*) in my mind.

——————

(1) Attentive readers will also be wondering when any of the stuff that happened in the Preface took place, since it apparently doesn’t happen here. Yes, the Preface is somehow even more pointless and confusing now than it was before.

(2) Specifically: beautiful, angel, perfect, forever, [any gemstone name], marble.

——————

Note from future Mateo: I’ve just read New Moon, the next novel in the series, and I can tell you that literally nothing of consequence happens in it. I’m not exaggerating: you end up with basically the same situation we see here at the end of Twilight. You can skip it and save yourself lots of time.

Twilight, Ch. 20-22

Chapter 20. Impatience

Bella, Jasper, and Alice are now in Phoenix. Since Bella is trying not to get caught, the three of them camp out in a hotel room, close the blinds, and do nothing much. Bella narrates that it’s very boring, and you know, she’s right. It’s not as bad as the seventh Harry Potter book when the kids sit around in the forest for half the book playing Dark Mark bingo, but it’s a pretty similar flavor. This is a hard situation for authors to write: it makes perfect narrative sense for your endangered characters to hide out, but it’s not very interesting to read. Stephanie Meyer clearly isn’t into dragging this out, so she makes the hiding last less than a chapter. It’s as good a solution as any, I suppose. Anyway, time drags on, Bella gets worried, and Alice forsees James’s plans changing.

Chapter 21. Phone Call

Just as the three prepare to move, Bella gets a phone call. It’s her mother…and James. James orders her to meet him and to come alone. Although terrified, Bella plays along, she tells Alice and Jasper what’s going on, and the three set in motion a plan to deal with James.

Just kidding!

No, this takes place in the Twilight universe, where up is down, black is white, creepiness is affection, and stupid is smart. Instead of doing anything even remotely sensible, Bella immediately writes a letter to Edward apologizing and starts making plans to lose Alice and Jasper. And I just have one thing to say about this:

Bella is the stupidest character I’ve ever been asked to sympathize with. Ever. You’re surrounded by vampires, Bella; ever stop to think about what not to do in a horror movie? I’m surprised James didn’t tell her to meet him in a dark basement wearing only her underwear.

Does Stephanie Meyer expect anybody to find this reasonable? Does she even care? I can only assume she’s just interested in writing the romance and doing a crap job of anything that isn’t Bella fainting from luurrrrve or Edward sparkling in the sunlight. Still, if the author can’t care enough to do this part well, why put it in the book?

Chapter 22. Hide-And-Seek

Bella gets away from Alice and Jasper and makes it to the place James told her about. She arrives to hear her mother’s panicked voice and runs into the room. It turns out that only James is there, and he’d fooled Bella into thinking he had her mother by playing one of the Swan family’s home videos. And I have to say, I didn’t think Bella’s sacrificial gesture could get any more pointless and stupid, but boy, was I wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever expected so little and still been disappointed. At this point I’d find a houseplant more sympathetic than Bella. The houseplant would probably make better decisions, and I’ve never heard of a houseplant fantasize about running people over.

Just eat her, James. The fans will hate you, but you’ll be my hero.

Anyway, James begins talking at Bella for no reason I can tell apart from padding out the scene for Edward to mount a probable rescue. (Note from future Mateo: yep, he does.) James tells her he’s disappointed she made this so easy, and man, he’s not the only one. He tells her he expected more of a challenge, but I can’t imagine why; we’ve been told so many times how vampires are superb predators you’d think there wouldn’t be much challenge to hunting humans, much less humans as dumb as Bella. For a vampire, hunting humans sounds as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. When the fish are already dead. And the barrel is made out of guns.

James appears to be an aspiring Bond villain, for he proceeds to tell Bella everything about his master plan to capture her. He also reveals, or at least claims, that he once pursued Alice before she became a vampire. Eventually he wraps it up, and there’s an unintentionally funny moment where James, Bella, and Stephanie Meyer all cluelessly fumble about looking for a way to transition to the upcoming action scene. Just as James is putting on his bowler hat and fake eyelash and getting ready for a bit of the old ultraviolence, Bella makes a run for it. She utterly fails, of course, and she ends up knocking herself unconscious against a mirror. End of chapter.

Twilight, Ch. 19.

Regarding collective nouns: I’ve always heard the term “coven” to refer to a group of witches, and a cursory Google search didn’t turn up any standard collective noun for vampires. I’m going to stick with “coffin.”

Onward to Chapter 19…

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Chapter 19. Goodbyes

Bella needs to get out of Dodge, as it were, so she pretends to hate Forks for her dad’s benefit. In an atypical moment of clarity, Bella wonders why James decided to kill her. I’m glad Stephanie Meyer addresses this, but Edward’s answer doesn’t clear much up:

"He's not used to being thwarted, no matter how insignificant the object. He thinks of
himself as a hunter and nothing else. His existence is consumed with tracking, and a
challenge is all he asks of life. Suddenly we've presented him with a beautiful challenge
 — a large clan of strong fighters all bent on protecting the one vulnerable element. You
wouldn't believe how euphoric he is now. It's his favorite game, and we've just made it his
most exciting game ever."

I appreciate the effort, but I still don’t know how James has lasted this long if he thinks nothing of antagonizing random clans of vampires. Isn’t there a vampire neighborhood watch or anything? Surely the vampire community at large–yes, there appears to be such a thing in the Twilight universe–would be irked that he’s drawing so much attention to vampires everywhere. (It also doesn’t explain why his travelling companions are willing to hang out with a guy who’s a jackass even by vampire standards.)

While we’re on the subject, it sound like most vampires prey upon humans on a regular basis. It seems like this would attract a fair bit of attention, and I’m eagerly awaiting Stephanie Meyer’s solution to what I like to call the Muggle Dilemma: the awesomeness of your characters’ supernatural exploits is inversely proportional to the believability of said exploits remaining unknown to society at large. This is something every urban fantasy series has to deal with at some point, and it’s not easy to handle; just see how implausible Buffy got over time.

But why leave it there? Let’s run a few numbers.

Let’s assume an average coffin size of around three vampires. (The Carlisles’ atypical feeding habit counteract the issues the normally arrive with vampire population density, so their coffin can grow to an atypical size.) If we also assume that one human will feed one coffin every month–again, a fairly conservative estimate, especially for coffins with a nutcase like James–that means each coffin will commit twelve murders a year. Assuming one coffin in each state of the U.S.–again, this seems fairly conservative–this means that we’re looking at 600 murders a year in the U.S. alone. Are we supposed to believe that no cop in the country is going to wonder why there are so many corpses missing their blood turning up? According to the FBI, in 2005 there were 16,692 murders. This means that roughly 4% of murders in the U.S. would be vampire-related, and that doesn’t count midnight snacks or the occasional vampire tailgate party.

And even though it sounds like James is aiming for 5% this year, I have to wonder why any creature with super strength, speed, durability, and the like would bother looking for a challenge in hunting humans. From the way he’s made to sound awesome he could probably stick to a head-of-state diet and not have to work too hard.

Anyway, back that the Cullen ranch Rosalie is pitching a fit that they’re going to so much trouble for a human, and I can’t really blame her. Here she is, trying to mind her own business and not eat humans, and suddenly one shows up, risks the life she has there, and starts a coffin war to boot. It’s nice to see not everyone is enamored with Bella. Jasper, however, steps in to ruin the moment:

  Jasper and I looked at each other. He stood across the length of the entryway from
me… being careful.
   "You're wrong, you know," he said quietly.
   "What?" I gasped.
   "I can feel what you're feeling now — and you are worth it."

Well, it was a nice change while it lasted.

Twilight, Ch. 16-18

Chapter 16. Carlisle

For no reason I can discern, we are treated to a recap of Carlisle’s origin and conversion of Edward. Since we all have working memories, I’ll skip this part. (For those of you who don’t have working memories, hi! My name is Mateo. We’re reading through Twilight.) Edward tells Bella that he went through a rebellious period where he fed on humans. Oh, those young vampire scamps! Bella tells him she’s still not afraid, and he uses his vampire powers to “playfully” overpower her and knock her onto the couch. Something else to add to the list of things that would normally be creepy but are somehow okay because Edward is a vampire and wants to drink her blood. The other Cullens show up and announce that a storm is coming, so they should start a rousing game of vampire baseball. Yes, vampire baseball. I’m not making this up.

Chapter 17. The Game

Man, it’s like she’s trying to get people to lose the game.

Nothing worth caring about happens this chapter. Charlie meets Edward, Bella persuades Billy not to tell her father that Edward is a vampire, and the vampire baseball game starts. It’s just like regular baseball, only more epic, I guess. They play a few innings and then suddenly Alice picks up on the arriving vampire visitors. (By the way, what’s the collective noun for vampires? If one doesn’t exist, I propose “coffin.”) The baseball game stops, and I’ve got to hand it to the vampires for even having an epic seventh-inning stretch.

Chapter 18. The Hunt

The new coffin of vampires arrive, and it turns out that they aren’t as restrained as the Cullens. Things go well until one of them notices that Bella is human. Can’t blame them; I was skeptical myself. What’s worse is one of the new vampires is a plot device tracker, and this seems to mean that he wants the thing everyone else wants. The new vampires flip out and want to eat Bella, and the Cullens flip out and protect her. They whisk Bella away and discuss the best way to deal with James. We’re doing well on time today, so let’s pause to consider this.

The new vampires told the Cullens they weren’t hungry, and they readily agreed to the Cullen’s request not to feed in Cullen territory. This makes sense, for vampires with zero self-control would earn the enmity of just about everybody. Stephanie Meyer implies that vampires have worked out codes of conduct precisely to avoid this. So what does Bella’s presence change here? Have James and his crew seriously not worked out any behavior more complex than “eat anybody you see”? I have a hard time seeing how any vampire could stay incognito if he acts like this.

Anyway, Bella and the other drive around for a while and toss around a few plans for dealing with James. The plans they come up with are…unimpressive, to put it charitably. Eventually they decide to ship Bella off back to Phoenix and set her up in her own place to avoid putting her mother at risk. It seems like Nebraska or Timbuktu or somewhere else completely Swan-less would be even safer, but no, to Phoenix we shall go. To Meyer’s credit, though, one of the Cullens immediately floats the idea of simply killing James, and I’m glad someone in this book has a lick of sense. I was afraid they’d want to go easy on him and then only resort to killing as a last resort.